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= 1001 ways to Torture a Cat =
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= Written By Ares =
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11/28/88 --->
Many a time have I wanted to beat the shit out of that furry
little bastard that always seems to piss me off. Either by
taking a nice warm shit on my brand new carpet, or decided to use
me as a clawing device.
In this small file, i'd like to suggest ways to hurt or piss of
the little shithead that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're
mom thinks it's the nicest fucker alive.
1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the fucker get's in your
way, whether it be when you're taking a shit and it comes in and
watches, or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just
put a little force into it and BLAM! The fucker goes flying.
It's especially nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor,
with all four spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican
without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like under the
stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in the
air.
2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't
really get to it's tail, you can do shit with it and the cat it
defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz
everyone time it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some
diseased person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab
of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat
will have to take the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can't
reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast
it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and the cat's
tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue
it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head
and his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction?)
Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up,
all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will
make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But
that's kinda mean.
3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people,
you kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's
use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a
tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run
into something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal
tubes sticking out the side). So what do you do? You cut the
fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur. Then you gotta
through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh, about 4
inches. The cat will naturally be fucked and stunned that us
humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat
cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering
what the fuck....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off.
The cat might eventually make it's way out of the closet, but
maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to do to it after
that? (grin>
4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is
throw the little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open room
(you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And
start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the
cat will probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's
whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants blood) keep swinging it
around and around, faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy
to figure out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case
and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall, believe me). You got
to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as
dizzy). The fucker will be sitting there, moving it's head in
circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz
as far as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or
something. You can do anything, it's up to you.
4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs,
and would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's
are funny as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or
something with water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the
fucker in for a minute or two (unless it's definitely going to
drown, we'll talk about killing them later) and watch it
squeal..They act like water is acid or something and yet they
still drink water out of the toilet when none is available (these
fuckers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had
enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab
around it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool).
When a cat get's wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look
like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might persuade you
to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full
of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..
5 -- Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really)
and don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look
through the little see-through window...It should be scared as
hell, since it's in a really tight spot, can't move much at
all...If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it! Just nuke
it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will start squirming at
about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the
Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have
radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it within a month
or less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it,
depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out,
so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be a little
toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or
leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go
"All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for
5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone
who did this, and saw it....It was pretty fucking gross, and
being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30
seconds, it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which
brings me to the point, you gotta make sure the door can't be
opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the microwave
anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like nothing
you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from it's mouth
due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and
some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a
half minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated
and it was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up
it's ass...At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat
would make any mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest
alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on. The
last two minutes it the cool part...Now that the fucker is dead
(for good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think
at around 4 minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs
literally popped out of it's sockets, and the blood started to
ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur
starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5
minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which
brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a
microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention the microwave
is probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave away and
chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.
You're probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another
996 ways to torture a cat? Well, the answer is, he ain't.
Another Morbid file Written by Ares -- 11/28/88
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