******************************************
* The Defecation Proclamation *
* (or, 101 Ways to Have Fun with Shit) *
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Disclaimer-
This report is intended purely for ENTERTAINMENT purposes ONLY! The author
assumes no resposibility for anyone actually cruel and callous enough to put
the herein contained theories and plans into action.
Foreword-
The prank has existed as long as man; of this, I'm sure. As long as there
has been a steady supply of gullible, dense, unwitting victims, there has
always been someone lurking in the shadows to put one over on them.
Pranking usually starts out in early adolescence, when a child first learns
of things he or she "should not do". This particular stage of anti-social
behavior is often accompanied by what psychiatrists term as an "anal
fixation". This includes all your basic pre-school "potty humor", and since
this file is about excretement, both human and otherwise, this is the
humor-base we shall draw upon.
Most parents are greatly relieved that the aforementioned behavior of a
child is merely a "stage", and the child goes on to develop other interests.
However, this is not always the case. Some of the best pranksters are
full-fledged adults who still retain their "potty humor", and along with it
posess the smarts and resources to pull off incredibly complicated coups
that other, so-called "normal" adults can only marvel at in disbelief.
And these "professional pests", as it were, are who this file is intended
for.
Preface-
First, some turd-handling tips:
1. ALWAYS wear gloves when handling feces of ANY kind. Human and animal
excretia carry all sorts of nasty bacteria.
2. When possible, using animal shit (when not using your own) is
preferable to using that of another human.
3. REMEMBER: "The fresher the turd, the greater the laffs".
4. Ziplock Baggies (tm) are probably the best turd-handling receptacle
in the world today. USE THEM.
5. BE CAUTIOUS! This cannot be expressed strongly enough. For some
inexplicable reason, the hiding and/or placing of turds/shit-piles
by grown-ups is frowned upon by most of contemporary society.
6. If caught in the act, try and convince them you're only trying to clean
up the handywork of some vandal. If all else fails, plead insanity;
Mental hospitals (long known for lots of shit-slinging activity) will
be a lot more fun than prison.
Just keep these basic rules in mind, and...
HAPPY TURDING !!!
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The Defecation Proclamation
(or, 101 Ways to Have Fun with Shit)
Nothing strikes more terror in the human heart than a pile of shit. It is
repulsive, sickening, and a generally unacceptable facet of bodily
functions. These qualities are exactly what make it the prankster's best
friend and most valuable tool. To reiterate, when used properly, "A pile of
shit is easily worth its weight in gold."
You've all heard of the prank that envolves a paper bag half-full of shit
(usually that of a dog or other medium-to-large sized quadruped), which is
set afire and placed on the doorstep of a victim. Then, you knock at the
door or ring the bell, and run. When the victim comes to the door, he sees
the small fire and proceeds to stomp it out, covering his Bass Weejuns with
dogshit in the process. The above styled prank is considered very sophomoric
and crude by most true pranksters, but effective nonetheless. The only
reason it is even mentioned here is it's nostalgic appeal as a true
"classic" in prankdom.
Now, for your reading pleasure, here are 101 new, proven, and "prankster
approved" methods to have your victim(s) doing the shit-shuffle:
1- In most later model cars, the door handles are recessed. The space
underneath the handle is a perfect place to conceal a turd.
2- Placing a large turd in a swimming pool, public or private, is guarenteed
to cause quite a disturbance.
3- Covertly placing a turd in a public drinking fountain will work wonders,
too. Smearing it around a bit helps add to the "terror-factor".
4- A fresh turd, nicely packaged with a plastic fork and sent to a victim,
will absolutely get your message of "eat shit" across to even the
thickest of dolts.
5- Wrapping several turds (or one huge St. Bernard-ish pile) in a gift box,
such as for a birthday or Christmas gift, and then "accidently" leaving
it behind in a mall or shopping center, will cause quite a stir with the
"lucky" person who think they've found a gift.
6- While at a party or as a guest in someone's home who has pets, retrieve
several choice turds from the yard or litterbox, and covertly place them
on the pet owner's bed. This will make them wonder what their pet REALLY
thinks of them.
7- I have know people who, dis-satisfied with the service (or a lack there-
of) in a department store (or market, theatre, etc...), would go into the
restroom of said establishment, take a shit on the floor, and proceed to
wipe it on the walls with the aid of a paper towel. Upon arriving home,
they would promptly call the manager of the place they were just in, and
inform him how repulsed they were at the condition of their restrooms.
When possible, they would get the name of the clerk who was nasty to
them, and tell the manager that they had reported the restroom to this
person, who in turn told them to "either wait until you get home or shop
elsewhere...". The manager will always take the customers word, and this
will get the employee in a literal "shit-load" of trouble. Chances are
the rude clerk will get a good bawling-out and get to clean the shit off
of the wall in the bargain. That is if he doesn't get fired or quit
first.
8- For those of you who have an aversion to using actual shit, a reasonable
facsimile can be fashioned from mud or other look-alike substances. You
can't reproduce the smell of course, but remember to add peanuts and
kernals of corn for effect.
9- I even know of one person who disliked a teacher so much that she bought
a box of Whitman's candy, & substituted some homemade "shit candy" for a
few of the pieces. She carefully re-wrapped the box, got to school early
and left it on the teachers desk. The teacher nearly had a nervous
breakdown after offering a piece of the candy to the principal. Guess
what kind of piece HE got...
10- The lethal combination of shit and firecrackers can be quite devastating
to all those unfortunate enough to be nearby. And, it makes a pretty
decoration on cars, too.
11- Selectively placed turds can wreak some major havoc in a clothing store.
Imagine trying on a jacket only to find a "suprise" when you stick your
hand in the pocket...
12- A turd dropped on an escalator makes a lovely obstacle when it reaches
those grates at the end and gets all crumbled up.
13- Shit, when carefully smeared on elevator buttons, will make people
suddenly decide it might be better for their health if they DID take
the stairs.
14- Turds in shoe stores can be a real "laff-riot", too. Imagine a fat lady
trying to squeeze into a size six, only to find (when she removes her
foot) that someone had placed a fresh dog turd in the toe.
15- A turd mashed and hidden from view in a clothes dryer at a laundromat
creates a new type of "spin-art" that is as beautiful as it is
repulsive.
16- Turds smeared onto vacant seats in darkened theatres can cause some rave
reviews of their own...
17- A small schnauzer-sized turd make a wonderful addition to the earpiece
of any telephone.
18- A turd left under the floor mat of a "friend's" car can turn the next
family drive into an ordeal. "Allright... Who the hell farted?"
19- Tiny bits of crap mashed between Ritz crackers can greatly upset the
guests at a party or wedding recption. To paraphrase, "Everything tastes
great when it shits on a Ritz". "Ummmm! Gooooood cracker!", as Andy
Griffith used to say in those commercials.
20- Turds tossed from the roofs of high-rise buildings will have pedestrians
thinking twice about the city's pigeon problem.
21- A few turds placed in a water-balloon can have spectactular results, to
say the very least. It CAN be done, just be VERY CAREFUL, or you might
end up getting yourself.
22- A turd left in the car of a roller-coaster or othe ride can cause some
REAL screams of terror...
23- For a prank with that "down-home" flavor, pack an old suitcase full of
fresh, wet cowshit. Lean the suitcase up against your victims door
(with the lid toward the door, of course), unsnap the latches, knock on
the door, and then run like hell.
24- Placing fresh shit in your victim's mailbox will make that day's mail a
"special delivery" that's quite unforgetable...
25- For winter fun, place a warm turd in a snowball. But, don't throw it at
anyone you can't out run.
26- A turd placed on a buffet table will guarentee no one will want seconds.
27- Take a fresh turd to the bank and make a "night deposit" of your own...
28- One of the simplest, yet most fun to watch pranks, envolves taking a few
small turds to the local mall. Discreetly drop a couple on the floor in
a high-traffic area, grab a coke, and sit back and watch the fun. You'd
be suprised how many shoppers don't watch where they're going (actually,
this trick will work anywhere there are large crowds of people on foot).
29- The above trick also works especially well in grocery stores, too. Those
shopping cart wheels make one HELL of a mess when they're covered in
shit that has been run-over by hapless shoppers...
30- Small turds placed in coin-return slots always have a quite comical
effect, especially when someone who is just looking for spare change
happens upon them.
31- A turd found in a thermos bottle could no doubt puzzle someone for
years...
32- But then so could a turd in a lunch bag or box.
33- A nice, big pile of shit can cause amazing results when placed above
someone's visor in their car. Chances are, they'll totally forget about
the sun being in their eyes...
34- Other than places already mentioned, two of the best places to put
some shit in a person's car, is either in the tape-deck, or the glove
compartment. Either one will make a hellish, stinky mess.
35- A turd, when casually slipped into the slot of a VCR (either in a store
or at a victim's home) will cause some "shitty entertainment" indeed.
36- I've personally never tried it, but inside sources tell me that a turd
shoved into a gas tank can cause any machine to literally "go all to
shit". Imagine trying to explain that one to a mechanic...
37- Turds smashed into a car's air-conditioner or heater vents will most
assuredly leave the driver with an unforgettable drive to work...
38- A truly nasty trick to play on children involves putting a large turd
in a shoe box , and taping it shut. Give it to a child and tell them
it's a new pet, but they can't open the box until they get home, or
it'll get away. This is most likely a VERY dangerous trick, because
you will either have to give it to a child who (along with his parents)
knows you, or risk giving out gifts in a strange neighborhood, where the
parents are likely to be suspicious of an adult handing out presents to
their kids.
39- In most libraries (and lots of other places nowadays...), you can find
copy machines; These are great for "turdy tricks". The simpelest is to
mash a turd on the plate-glass copying surface. Another good one is to
locate the paper bin (on the right side of most machines) and mash some
turds in among the papers. Either one will make a nasty, unexplainable
mess.
40- Speaking of libraries, a turd or three placed between the pages of a
popular book can have a quite pleasing effect.
41- Also, "night drop-off" boxes in libraries and video stores are good
places to drop a few turds.
42- Shit dropped on the floor of a roller-rink will cause some serious shit
slinging, too.
43- Small turds placed under someone's windshield-wipers can cause for some
poor visibility (but, at least the driver can't say he "couldn't see
shit"...).
44- A few choice lumps of shit, covertly placed and lightly covered with
dirt and placed near home plate at the local little-league field, can
cause a slide into homeplate to be a memorable one indeed.
45- If moving out of a house or apartment, be sure and remove some wall-
plates and smash a few turds inside. Chances are when the new occupant
discovers where that "nice, homey smell" is emmanating from, he'll have
a family of pet maggots to raise as well.
46- A turd placed in a coffee urn will have everybody wondering if Juan
Valdez washes his hands after he wipes his ass...
47- A large turd, possibly of equestrian or bovine descent, can cause quite
a stir in the butcher or produce section of any supermarket.
48- During the holidays, a large pile of shit could be spray-painted red,
green, and white (the Christmas colors), and flung onto the front door
of a victims house or place of business. If you like, add a few pine
needles and holly leaves and berries for a wreath-like effect.
49- Here's the best way to decorate a public restroom: Secretly smuggle in a
small plastic bag of the runniest shit you can find (diarrhea or VERY
fresh cow shit works best. Or, add some water). Once you are sure you are
alone in the restroom, CAREFULLY puncture a SMALL hole in the bag with a
pencil. Then, as quickly as possible without getting it on yourself,
twirl the bag around and around over your head until it's empty. The
results will probably be the most amazing thing you (or the poor bastard
who gets to clean it up) have ever seen.
50- I know a girl who once re-paid a bill (she had already paid it,
but couldn't find the receipt) with money liberally coated with shit.
This would be VERY risky to pay your own bills with, but why noy send a
cash donation to a charitable organization (complete with shit) along
with a mean letter bearing your victim's signature?
51- Another good hiding place for a turd is in a floral arrangement. Coupled
with the sweet scent of the flowers, the effect is quite sickening.
52- A turd mashed into the bottom of a fruit or gift basket is another
sure-fire winner.
53- Replacing the modeling clay with shit in an art class could produce some
very interesting results...
54- The above holds true as well for beauty parlors that do "mud packs".
Imagine those little old grannies horror when they find out there was
more than mud in those facials...
55- Packing someone's exhaust pipe with shit can be amusing. Especially if
pedestrians are near the car when your victim cranks 'er up...
56- A friend of mine got fed up with his neighbor's dog coming into his
yard and taking dumps. He voiced a complaint to the neighbor, but she
more or less shrugged it off and said "I can't help it when 'nature
calls'...". The next time my friend saw the dog shitting in his yard, he
went out and gave the dog a piece of steak. While the dog was preoccupied
with chowing down, my friend (wearing gloves, of course) picked up the
dog's almost cow-size "present", and proceeded to smear it deep into the
animals coat. When Fido when back inside and jumped onto his mistress'
sofa, she finally saw the light. I don't advocate cruelty to animals, but
sometimes drastic measures must be taken against their dumb-ass owners.
57- A turd, when tossed on the ceiling in any room, will most likely go
un-noticed until gravity takes over. But by then, it's too late.
58- When smeared on a light switch in a dark room, a turd sort of becomes a
'thing that goes "dump" in the night'.
59- Shit smeared on a hand rail causes a chaotic, yet comedic effect.
60- The beach is a good place to leave some turds lightly covered with
sand. Imagine how it would feel for shit to squish up between your toes.
61- A fresh turd placed up inside the chute of a cola vending machine can
provide a "pause that refreshes" (for you anyway...).
62- A friend tells me that "a turd flung with force into an open piano
causes the damndest mess you've ever seen. When it hits those wires,
it gets cut into a whole bunch of pieces. And, the only way to get it
out is to get a piano repairman to come and take the wires loose, clean
it out, and re-attach all the wires. And how the hell would you explain
how shit ended up in your piano, anyway?"
63- Smearing someone's steering wheel with shit can make them suddenly
realize maybe riding the bus isn't so bad after all...
64- An art museum is a good place to leave some turds, particularly on
"modern art" sculptures. But, sometimes people may have a hard time
figuring out which is the real shit, and which just looks like it...
65- Another lady-friend gave me this little gem: It seems that while her
ex-boyfriend's wedding was going on she deceided to get some revenge.
Imagine the suprise when the "happy couple" found a hefty lather of
dog shit on the wedding cake... not to mention, a few turds placed in
the champagne fountain as well. A riot almost ensued, and the couple
left hurriedly only to find that their car had been...ahhh...you know
what happened.
66- Once, to let a particular nasty boss know that I and other co-workers
had to put up with his "bullshit", we sent him some of the real thing.
Yep, two tons of fresh manure. Dumped VERY close to his front door, as
per "his" instructions. All charged to his credit card. It was beautiful.
He was still an asshole after that, though...oh, well.
67- One of my best friends growing up went on to become a top draftsman for
TVA. One day, "John" (as we'll call him), became incensed after getting
bawled-out for spending too much time at the water-cooler (geez, I
thought that was REQUIRED for a federal job...), while "executives" did
the exact same thing. To get even, John arrived earlier than everyone
else one morning, turned the cooler upside-down, removed the base, and
plopped in about a dozen dog turds. Then he re-attached the base and
set the cooler upright. The turds, being small and a bit dry, floated to
the top, just as John had hoped. John then went back down to Market
Square and had a cup of coffee. When he arrived back at the office at
his regular time, the "top brass" was already having fits and making
threats. He was never caught, but the water cooler was subsequently
removed. John felt it was a small price to pay for his satisfaction.
68- A few well-formed turd balls, when carefully mixed in with chocalate
coated nuts, can liven up any party.
69- Coat racks in public places are a veritable haven for the turd-obsessed
prankster. Use your imagination...
70- There are also usually hats left on those same coat racks. Again,
imagine the potential...
71- The above reminds me of my friend Clyde, who lives in Vermont. It seems
that a ruffian had moved into Clyde's neighborhood. Said ruffian owned
a loud, muffler-less Harley-Davidson motorcycle, which he constantly
worked on and subsequently rode around the neighborhood in the wee,
small hours of the morning. It seems that friend Clyde was able to lay
his hands on the ruffian's helmet one night was actually asleep (or
more likely, passed-out drunk). Clyde took the helmet to his backyard
and proceeded to fill it with a fresh shit heap his St. Bernard, Barney,
had left behind. Yep. You guessed it. The next day, the ruffian found
out he was a "shit-head" in more ways than one.
72- If a neighbor's parks his car near your yard, a lawn mower, a pile of
shit, and careful aiming can give him an interesting new "paint job".
73- If you work with someone who is a hunk of shit, smashing a real turd on
his desk when he steps away for coffee can get your feelings across
easily enough...
74- A turd placed in a washing machine, during it's final spin, will create
unusual results everytime. Guarenteed.
75- If you go to local charities "haunted houses" around Hallowe'en, imagine
the real-life chills you could create by flinging a few smuggled in
turds in the dark...
76- A real mean-hearted friend suggested leaving turds at the local
playground. Good places include: the sandbox, under the monkeybars,
under the swings, at the bottom of the slide (all lightly covered of
course), or even smeared on the slide itself. "Mommy! Mommy! I fell in
DOO DOO!"
77- Another good place to "mine" with turds is along a parade route.
(HAHAHAHA! I LOVE THIS ONE!)
78- Exercise trails and running tracks are a couple of other good places to
leave a few randomly placed piles, although it is kinda hard to hide
shit on the latter...
79- Whirlpools and jaccuzzis are other excellent places to drop a few turds
and start a "shit stew" brewing.
80- Packing a locker full of shit and then padlocking it will definately
give everybody something to talk about. After they finally discover
where that awful smell is coming from, and clean it out, do it to
another locker. Or better yet, SEVERAL.
81- When I was in high school, someone managed to get a GIANT turd in the
school's trophy case. Just in time for parent night. And they jammed the
locks on the case as well, so the turd stayed until the next morning
when they finally called in a locksmith. I wonder who left the turd?
(BHAHAHAHAHAHAA!)
82- Also in high school, someone placed a large pile of dogshit on the
ceiling- fan in the teachers lounge. The shit REALLY hit the fan when
one of the dopes turned it on. It added such a lovely accent to the
decor. Once again, who would stoop that low (or would it be "STOOL that
HIGH")???
83- Some people I used to know got their jollies hurling bags of shit off of
overpasses onto cars on the interstate below. I wouldn't reccomend this,
though. Getting a little shit on someone and killing them are two
different things entirely. Unless... of course,....nah!
84- Hiding a turd at the bottom of a bowl of dip at a party would certainly
excite the guests...
85- Discos and bars with dance floors are other good places for
recreational turd-dropping. When people start gettin' down an' doin' the
"Funky Chicken", they wouldn't notice the shit until it was...TOO LATE!
86- Older movie houses, the ones with balconies, are excellent places to
have a shit-slingin' good time...
87- Hallowe'een is the best time of year to give the little local shits what
they deserve by dropping a few turds in their goodie bags.
88- One guy I knew, angered by having his expertly-carved Jack O' Lantern
stolen every Hallowe'en, decided to start coating them with liberal
amounts of dog shit. His plan sort of backfired, though. When some
little "vandal-in-training" grabbed the pumpkin and realized what was on
it, he smashed it into the side of the house, leaving a hideous orange
and brown stain that had to be scrubbed off. Oh well... at least the kid
got some shit on his hands...
89- Fun times can also be had by dropping a few turds into open convertibles
and sun-roofs on those hot summer nights (do make sure the car is EMPTY
first, though).
90- Another story I heard about someone who was mad at a neighbor about
their dog's constant shitting in his yard, fed the animal treats laced
with Ex-Lax. From what he heard, Foo Foo didn't quite make it outside
the next time the urge hit...
91- Shit smeared on a doorknob will always make someone look for another
entrance. At least the next time, anyway...
92- One of the funniest I've ever heard was about a guy who went to pay a
traffic ticket, and had a hard time finding the right office. He did,
however, discover where the officer's lockers were. Looking on the
ticket and getting the cop's name, he opened the locker, took the hat
into a restroom, shit in it, and then replaced it. Of course he never
knew what happened for sure, but there was at least a chance....
This kind of story never fails to warm my heart.
93- Another cop-shit tale revolves around a true story, part of which was
used in the film, "The Pope of Greenwich Village". A certain fellow
had been ripped-off and then beaten-up by a crooked cop. The guy managed
to spike the officer's usual afternoon drink with a powerful horse
laxative. Needless to say, the cop left the bar and shit his pants full
right on the sidewalk in front of bemused on-lookers. And, to top it off
the guy who spiked the drink called in a false report of an officer
being shot outside the bar. This brought other cops in droves, expecting
to see one of their own lying in a pool of blood. Instead, it was a pool
of shit. The crooked cop transferred to another precinct after bearing
all the "shit" he take over the spectacle.
94- Another good place to leave some turds is in the library, on top of a
book, on the top shelf. There's a good chance that whoever takes the
book down will get a nice suprise on their head or face.
95- My fiancee' melted Ex-lax in the teachers coffee pot when she was in
grade school. You don't EVEN want to know what she did when she got to
college...
96- Another mean-spirited friend, who I'll refer to as "Ed", lives in
Boston. He can't stand all the "sissies" who invade the city every year
to run in the famous marathon. What Ed does to get back at these
"prancing fairies", as he calls them, is this: He stations himself along
the race route with cups of laxative-laden Gatorade. After passing out a
few, ED then moves up ahead to watch the ensuing fun. He considers the
"finish line" to be the brown one that appears in the runner's shorts a
few miles ahead. Well. I told you he was mean-spirited...
97- Marci, who works in a deli in New York City, told me that she loves to
put mouse turds (which, according to her are plentiful in NYC eating
establishments,) in the sandwiches of customers who are unlucky enough
to piss her off...
98- Speaking of NYC, subway platforms would be a good place to drop some
shit. But then on the other hand, considering some of the scum that
ride the subways, the smell of dogshit would probably be LESS
offensive...
99- The bleachers at football games or other sporting events are another
place to do some turding. If you're feeling especially creative, leave a
note with the shit saying it's compliments of the visiting team.
100- A good way to get back at the post office for slow delivery, poor
service, and all-around shitty attitudes, is to fling some fresh shit
into one of those huge mail-drop boxes you see sitting on corners.
101- Ah. Last but not least: Another good postal prank is to drop several
small turds in an envelope and mail it off. The electronic machinery at
the P.O. will literally "mash the shit out of it", which will in turn
shit up the machine and a bunch of other folks' mail, as well.
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