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| Fun! with Random Senseless Vandalism |
| by /\/oo\/\ Count Nibble /\/oo\/\ |
| August 2nd 1985 |
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| A "Nibble's Own" Textfile -- (C) 1985 by Count Nibble -- Spread it around! |
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"We're just the Wrecking Crew / Poor boys with nothing to do!"
- The Adolescents
"History is made at night -- character is what you are in the dark."
- Lord John Whorfin
Hot summer nights are the same no matter where you live . . . there's nothing
like a warm July evening to inspire a bunch of sex-starved adolescents to acts
of Random Senseless Vandalism (RSV). Unfortunately, this time of year also
tends to drain one's mind of all ideas that one might have for such
activities. Fear not! Contained herein are myriad suggestions of how to
spend a few early-morning hours enjoying yourself and annoying others. Call
your friends together and try a few out.
A night of RSV is usually divided into two modes. The first mode is Cruising
-- simply driving along major thoroughfares until an opportunity presents
itself. Of course, you'll be keeping your eyes open for nubile members of the
opposite sex, and your windows open (or better, your roof down) so the rest of
the world can admire your taste in music and in clothing. On a well-balanced
night of RSV, most of your time will be spent in this mode, so choose your
music well. Here are a few tunes which I have found to be quite appropriate
for tooling down the streets at 2 AM -- ALWAYS use the 12" single versions.
Phil Collins: In The Air Tonight Harold Faltermeyer: Axel F.
Dead Or Alive: Round Round Alphaville: Big In Japan
Jean-Michel Jarre: Zoolook Burning Sensations: Pablo Picasso
Duran Duran: View to a Kill Russ Ballard: Voices
Cheap Trick: You Must Be Dreaming Adam and the Ants: Stand and Deliver
Well. Now you've been to two McDonald's and five Circle K's, and you've seen
enough pussy to keep you horny for over a year -- so it's time to move out
and start the second mode: Random Senseless Vandalism. The mood of the music
goes over the edge, meaning, of course, Punk! Some sample tunes:
Sex Pistols: Anarchy in the U.K. Fear: Let's Have A War
GBH: Do What You Do Adolescents: Wrecking Crew
DEVO: Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA Black Flag: Police Story, T.V. Party
Red Alert: In Britain Bad Religion: In The Night
But, as the question goes, what do you DO when you Do What You Do? Now that
we've set up an appropriate musical mood, we can start in on the good stuff:
the Random Senseless Vandalism itself.
You'll need a few tools. A sample list follows.
crowbar wire cutters flashlight w/red filter
spray paint survival knife short (18") length of chain
rocks (medium-large) caltrops (lots) toilet paper
rope assorted fireworks BB or pellet gun/rifle
water balloons
Crowbar: The ultimate multi-purpose vandalism tool. Can be used to shatter
windows, break off doorknobs, and to pry open practically anything you
like.
Wire Cutters: You never know when you'll run into a fence you don't happen to
like, and some good wire cutters can alleviate the situation. Make sure
the fence isn't electrified before you try anything with it! Barbed wire
looks nice wrapped around the front end of a car, replacing its grille,
or festooned along the walls of your room. And a stretch of chainlink
adds a nice touch to any bedroom decor.
Flashlight w/Red Filter: There is nothing more suspicious-looking than a
bunch of guys out in a field with a flashlight, and the red filter will
help alleviate observation problems. Also, the red color allows you to
retain your night vision while keeping your eyes on what you are doing.
Spray Paint: The possibilities are endless. Check out my file "Fun! with
Spray Paint" for a few of them.
Survival Knife: This tool takes care of the stuff that the crowbar and the
wire cutters aren't really designed for. Try these: cutting down
tire-and-rope swings in front yards, slashing banners, collecting flags
(it's illegal to display them at night without proper illumination
anyway), slicing seatbelts that assholes leave hanging out of their car
doors. Fucking with convertible tops is bad form, but tarps over boats
or cars are great, especially if it's raining.
Short (18") Length of Chain: Make it sturdy, this one will be taking a lot of
abuse. Use it on car bodies and windows, or connect it to your rope to
tow something large down the street a ways. Be careful, though!
Remember what happened in Mad Max!
Rocks: Easy to find, easier to use. The windows of houses and moving cars
are great targets for rocks.
Caltrops: In case an irate smart-ass citizen decides to chase you. (Don't
use 'em on cops unless you're SURE they didn't get a good look at your
car!) A caltrop is a piece of metal that, when you throw it onto the
ground, always lands so that one point sticks up into the air where it
can do major damage to tires and to feet wearing anything less than good
work boots. Sure, a board with nails in it will do the same thing, but
caltrops are less noticable, and who the hell is dumb enough to drive
over a random board in the middle of the street anyway? The simplest
reliable design is to take two nails, cut the heads off and sharpen both
ends of each, bend them to an angle of about 135 degrees, and weld them
together at the bend. If you're serious about it, get together with a
few of your friends and set up a mass-production line for a few hours the
evening before you all go out, and make about 50 of them. If you drop
them on a road (handfuls of 6-8 work well), don't travel on that road for
a while! And of course, you can just dump them in the middle of a major
intersection in the dead of night. Or in a parking lot outside a movie
theater just before the movie lets out. Caltrops pack one hell of a
wallop for their size.
Toilet Paper: No anarchy run is truly complete without toilet paper,
especially if it looks like it's going to rain. When toilet paper gets
wet, you can forget about trying to clean it up, because you CAN'T. If
the weather is nice, why not consider looking for a garden hose to help
the paper along?
Rope: You'll always be able to find a good use for rope. In fact, there's
really oo need to go out and *buy* rope; chances are you'll be able to
find some on the way somewhere. Flagpole rope is made amazingly strong
since it has to stand up to years of the elements -- who wants to change
the rope on a flagpole? -- so get that kind if you can. It's easy to
find on any school campus. It's great fun to tie a sturdy slip knot on a
flagpole rope, tie the loose end to the back of a pickup, then take off.
See what gives first, the pole or the back of the truck. For that
matter, the rear axle trick from American Graffiti is pretty amusing too,
if your rope is strong enough.
Assorted Fireworks: Ah, yes, the Flames of the Gods. There's nothing like
driving around town, lighting fireworks, and throwing them out the
window. Bottle Rockets are the most spectacular . . . they'll sit on the
road until you're a few dozen yards away, then take off to God Knows
Where. Sometimes they'll shoot down the street a ways, then hit a curb
and arc off in the direction of someone's bedroom window. (Of course,
you're using the kind "with report" for maximum effect, aren't you?)
M-80's and their more powerful homemade cousins are wonderful for
mailboxes, placing on car windshields, and just plain waking up everyone
within a quarter mile. Those "whistling cabins" are great for annoying
dogs as well as people, and if you run across a car that someone forgot
to lock, make sure the windows are rolled up and lob a few smoke bombs
inside. Kiss the interior of that vehicle GOODBYE. If you have
something a bit more powerful, like a CO2 cartridge filled with black
powder, knock a hole in a cinderblock wall with a large rock and drop the
pecker inside it. The brick it gets stuck next to is history. Looking
to shatter windows? Take one of those CO2 bombs with a long fuse and put
it in the middle of a 32 oz. glass bottle full of gravel, pick a nice
building with a lot of glass on it, drop and light the bomb, and LEAVE.
Wheee! Shrapnel! Who says the Neon Knights have all the fun?
BB or Pellet Gun/Rifle: For non-assholes only. Leave the small animals alone
. . . save your ammo for the targets that deserve to be abused, things
like people. Air guns are at their best when you're in a moving car.
Pump up the air rifle and load a few BB's in, then buzz by the local car
dealership and take out that nice big showroom window -- ftow! Mr. Slick
Sam, The Used Car Man, now has to unload an Eldie or two to pay for a new
pane of glass. And oh, how expensive that glass can be! These are also
great for vans with custom murals on the side. You can elect to use low
power and just deface the thing, or go all the way and punch a few holes.
'S up to you! And do you know how much it costs to replace the body
panels on a Corvette? Yow!
Water Balloons: Yeah, plain water balloons really belong to the
grade-schoolers and the fraternity types with balloon launchers, but how
about putting about a tablespoon of Rit dye in the balloon before you
fill it? Looks really nice on stucco or on white cinderblock, where it
gets a chance to soak in for a few hours. Be imaginative, use a few
balloons of different colors on a single target for some instant modern
art.
Your Bare Hands: A vandal needs no tools to do his dirty work -- his bare
hands can do a great deal. Try switching around a few realty signs.
Grab a trash bag that's waiting for the 6AM pickup as you drive by, then
drag it alongside the car as you speed down the street. When it breaks,
someone will have a serious mess to deal with. Or introduce that trash
bag to the neighbor's pool. Bananna peels and pool filters get along
marvelously. Got a road that's really just a loooooong hill? Montgomery
Blvd. in Albuquerque is a good example, with at lease five miles of long,
straight, gentle gradient. "Borrow" someone's spare tire and see how far
down the hill it'll roll before it hits something (or someone!). Or
"borrow" several, have everyone bet on a tire, and hold a race. One
that's childish, but messy . . . get about 10-20 ketchup packets at the
local Burgerdonald's. Slowly twist one end about 3/4 of the way down the
packet. Soon it'll self-generate a TINY pinhole that can shoot a stream
of ketchup about 10 feet. Lotsa ways to use that! Be prurient and
re-arrange a roadside sign into something filthy and shocking. Move
mailboxes. Push over mailboxes. Kick over mailboxes. Run over
mailboxes. Steal mailboxes. Spit on mailboxes and call them dirty
names.
Whew! Boy, that was fun! But you've had your fill of trashing homes and
causing mayhem, and it's time to mellow out. How does one mellow out after
Random acts of Senseless Vandalism? Why, with a car chase of course . . .
Split up into teams of 2-4 people per car, up to four cars. Pick the order of
cars, and then GO -- each guy following the guy in front of him, and trying to
LOSE the guy in back of him. Residential areas are best, because at 2 or 3 AM
all the cops are either at an all night eatery or patrolling the main
thoroughfares for drunk drivers. Choose a meeting place that's open 24 hours
-- a 7-11, a Dunkin Donuts, or just about any other eating establishment
(you'll be hungry by the time you finish) -- where each car can go after it's
been totally lost for about 15 minutes. If you've been separated from the
others for that long, they could be anywhere, and the chances of you finding
them are about nil. This game of "cat and mouse", with its James Bond/Road
Warrior overtones, is often more fun than the RSV itself, and deserves more
attention than it gets as a source of late-night amusement.
Anyway. That should get you started at least, and if you can't find anything
fun to do in here, well, you may as well give up and go work for the phone
company or the Federal Government. They love guys like you.
Hang loose, America, and don't do anything I wouldn't do, (heh!)
/\/oo\/\ /\/oo\/\ /\/oo\/\ Count Nibble /\/oo\/\ /\/oo\/\ /\/oo\/\
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Author's Note: Count Nibble's "Fun! with" series is presented as a collection
of entertaining text files in much the same vein as George Hayduke's "Getting
Even" books -- not as a suggestion that people actually go out and DO any of
the things described in this file. The Count refuses to be held responsible
for the judgement of people who choose to do any of this . . . /\/o-\/\ (wink)
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