_ __ _______ _______
| | / / / __ \ | __ \ We're cool
| | / / | / \__| | [ ] | because WE
| | / / | | | [ ] | got a group
| |/ / | | | [__] | of friends
| / | | __ | _____/ 2-gether
| \ | | | \ | __ \ and a cool
| |\ \ | | | | | [ ] | acronym!
| | \ \ | | | | | [ ] |
| | \ \ | \_/ | | [__] |
|_| \_\ \_______/ |_______/
K-RAD GNUZ & BULLSHIT
A N D
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
| | / \ | / \ / \ / \ / \ . |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | # |
|____| | | | \____ \____ |____| |____| ##, |
| \ | | | \ \ | | | | # # |
| \ | | | | | | | | | | | #P # |
| \ \____/ \_____ \____/ \____/ | | | | # 0[ |
# # #oo. |
# #' ##./' |
R O Y A L O R D E R O F T H E L E S S E R _# `## o." |
j# o.. |
S P O T T E D S O U T H A F R I C A N .## () o*... |
Narq! ##" o.. |
A A R D V A R K Narq! #^ j##,+.. |
\ _##? .####<`#*o* . |
Founder: UNiQUE ## _.###^ ##.'_ |
Mascot: Zwobeley _J#####' #" |
T H I S I S S U E O F K G B H A S B E E N B R O U G H T
T O Y O U B Y :
NEIZICHE POPS
-The Uberbreakfast-
GR33TZ GO OUT 2:
Fool...................................Thanks for the ASCII pic.
Mindmixer..............................Thanks for the (overused)
, and now dead, PBX.
Baccahbar..............................Sorry for not mentioning you
in the last KGB. Thanks
(Let's call line noise at work!) for the VMB. What type of
voice program did you use? heh
UNiQUE.................................Could you make another one of
my conferences a narq-
music marathon AGAIN? Jeez.
CyntaxEra..............................Could you please tone us a
little bit more with your
"Please hold, the party modem or your European
you are speaking to is call waiting tones on
on the other line" alliances? Unintentional
my AARDVARK!
MiCr0 Mit3 M0us3.......................You have zome k-rad babe
phriends.
Nstalker...............................I phorgot what I was gonna
zay.
Carlsberg..............................Heh, love those psycho-bitch
ztories.
Silicon Surfer.........................IT's okay to listen in
on my confs. AT least u dont
play narq songs all the time
like a certain Australian I
KnoW. :)
Woebegone Hacker.......................Were you only on one of the
alliances?
Trexer.................................Thanks for the k-rad VMB.
Mit3 be the GNU KGB k0de lyne.
Pot Head...............................I know your r33l nick, as
well as Knuckle's! HA!!
Z-N0TE.................................Love that Dial-A-Porn Time
hotline!
Sierra & Devil's Advocate..............W3Lc0m3 t0 th3 [hAdWiCk
H3aLy VMB P0ss3!
*************************************************************************
********************** --- N00 GNUS --- *******************************
*************************************************************************
For starters, I'm stuck doing ALL of this issue without Pax Imperialis
help. Why? His phone line g0t disconnected. Damn! But I kept in touch with
him by some help from a b0ckser from Scotland. I did get an article from
Pot Head though, and more articahls to come in the future. So, like, if there
is any lame spelling mistakes, fuck off. :) Hopefully this issue will
be much better than KGB-1. It's already bigger, and doesn't size count?
We here at KGB are trying to come up with a sl0gan. BoW has "BoW
will get you", but we can't think of anything. We were thinking of "KGB
will get you donuts!", but that seemed to mimic BoW too much. So who cares?
Well, this update is l8, but until my PBX died, we had a lot of k-rad
conferences. I forgot the date of them, but it was fun while they lasted.
The first one I held was on a phree fone at a ztudent university. I left
with the phone off the hook, zo who knows how long it lasted. PaX(One Of The
PhOuNdErZ of KGB), UNiQue and zeveral others were on. I admit, we were
outnumbered by 602 geekz. But they were KGB geekz, so it was okay. HEy!
Eye did a Conference all By MySelf! I am NOW A MAN!!!!
- Thanks Phone d00d! -
S0 then I ztarted d0ing them at my hawz, even though I didn't have a
diverter. Tayke N0te, this PBX was spread around all over the place.
MiCr0 Mit3 M0us3 first gave it to me, then Mindmixer. So 9 times out of
10, this fucker was busy. Damn k0dez K1dz. Didn't they know it was a
KGB members-only Pee Bee Eks? Anywayz... We had more k-rad alliances on
them until it died.
One of the more notable conferences was when we actually got on a radio
ztation in 716. We just decided to call their number, and tell them we
were on a conference. It was some top 40 shit dance ztation, so they
didn't have much we were interested in. But, we got to introd00ce a
song and get to mention our names and wh3r3 w33 were phrom. Aint that
eleet? That was our first KGB victory!(aww, how cute! now go take a
nap).
On the zlight downside, a few of our conferences were ruined by UNiQUE.
He's still a member of KGB/ROLSAA, but he got a bit on our nerves when
he wouldn't fawking stop the music when we speifically told him to.
So zome of our last conferences were completely flooded with UNiQUE
singing to tunes(some being by the Beach BOys, and "Wild Thing" by Tone
Loc), and replacing every word he could with 'NARQ' or "AARDVARK".
Don't let anybody say he's not a devoted member. Crazy and a bit
annoying, yes, but very much devoted. <sigh> THe KGB disciplinaree
board has zentenced him to a penalty of not being on one conference,
whenever we actually get another fawking PBX to get it up on.
There's a VIRUS abound in Internet! It's called the ZIMA virus, and it
does serious damage to your ASCII files(no! not my ASCII!). It changes
any word starting with s with a z. Some inphormants(probably from NukE)
zay this virus was made by the same guys who made the Paul Tsongas
virus. That inserted a T in every word starting with S. FUcking
bastards, don't they have more productive things t00 d0 with the1r tyme?
Like fl00d my mailbox with t0nez? Fukkurz. So don't be zuprized(ha, jk)
if you see a lot of misspelled wordz(aside from the normal amount),
okay?
Well, we HAD a k0de line up, but it went down fast apparently. Nobody
even bothered to leave a message on it. BUt, it wans't like there was any
k-rad c0des on it anyway, maybe except for the Zima Interactive Hotline.
B00yeah! We alz0 g0t another one, but that dyed too. Fuck Phrito Lay.
Boycott all their products in response to shunning out the KGB c0de line.
And who's phucking VMB is this? 1-800-787-0953. Dr Sbaitso's?
<Dr SbAitSo B0000y!)
If you want to leave a message on my main VMB, call it up after hours at
1-800-752-0515 box 123. If you're a mute, 4get it. Don't even b0ther.
Well, that's all the GNUs i have for this issue. THere's
probably a lot of inpho I forgot, but that'll zhow up
in the next issue.
D-FENS
[KGB Founder]
[ROLSAA Member]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************[ 1. Conference Phun 4 You ]************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************************************************************
Within the last few months, being on a ton of teleconferences, I've heard
some pretty funny shit. The stuff we pulled on some of these has just been
downright hilarious. If you recognize zome of these things, you were more
than likely there. All you aardvarks know what I'm saying, and if you don't
get it, you weren't there. =)
--Pothead
******************
"Hello, Pizza Hut, this is Abdul, may I help you?"
"Uhhh, I'd like a flying carpet zpecial, with camel meat topping."
(GOD DAMN THAT ZIMA VIRUS! -Ed.)
"I'm very very sorry, sir, we don't carry camel meat, nor do we have
a flying carpet special."
"How about an Oil Sheik special, with monkey brains."
"No sir, we don't have that, either."
"I thought pizza was an Italian food, made by Italians, not dotheads!"
_Click_
******************
This one was said on a conf. and had us laughing.....
"Hello, AT&T Operator, how may I help you?"
"Please dial this number for me, 202-728-XXXX." (it could of been some d00d'z
#. We don't want trouble.
-Ed)
"Please deposit eighty cents."
"Miss, I only have nickels."
_Beep Beep Beep Beep_ (R3d B0x T0neZ)
"Sir...SIR! How are you putting those nickels in so fast??!"
"Uhhh, I have no arms, it's a machine."
"I'm sorry...have a nice day"
******************
hahaha....I love that one...Here comes the best part: Operator One-Liners!
"Uhhh, Sir, SIR! I suggest you take that box and throw it away."
"Are you boxing this call?"
"Please stop sending those tones and wait for a police officer to get there."
"Encore Operator, how may I help you?"
****************
That last one was a killer! Ahahaha! Oncor is a joke....
_________ ___ ___
/ _____ / / / / /
/ / / / / / / /
/ /__/ / / /-----/ /
/ ____ / / /------ /
/ / / / / /
/ /OT / / / / EAD
-- --- --
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************[ 2. How to be K-Rad Elite ]************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, now YOU can be K-rad in 7 simple steps by having your own cracking
(warez) group! Be the envy of the block, or better yet, your area code!
Looks great on resumes!
1. First, you'll want to have your own k-00l cracing group. You'll want to
come up with a really neat acronym that you can smear on filenames to be
known. Look at all the other groups out there, like PWA(Pirates with
Attitudes) and so on.
2. Next, before you do ANYTHING, you GOTA have ANSI artists. ANSI has got to
be the coolest thing since sliced bread. It allows you to do graphics over
the phone!(just like Prodigy!). Who could ask for anything more from
technology? Anyways, grab yourself a copy of TheDRaw, and start making cool
pictures. Go with the current pirate trends. Taky any old comic book(X-Men,
etc) and draw some frame out of that. Better yet, do a picture from the
Dungeons and Dragons fame. Make it really big too. Don't be afraid to have
it be over 25 lines. Make it the size of a wall poster or something. It
could either spell success or failure on this step!
3. Now with ANSI art when they call your elite BBS, you'll also need VGA art.
This could also spell either sucess(S-U-C-C-E-S-S) or failure(F-A-I-L-U-R-E)
of your group(G-R-O-U-P). Like the ANSI art you'll be doing, just draw more
monsters from any Dungeons and Dragons book with your BBS name on it. OH,
and since you run such an elite system, DON'T under any circumstances, leave
your BBS number on it. Because the person who downloaded your war is a low
life leech. You don't want them calling your board, do you? DIdn't think so.
So leave the world famous number (ITS) PRI-VATE for the number. Okay?
4. Now as the egotistical leader of this group, you'll most likely want to
have to change your alias. Nobody would want to join a group with a
president named 'Rat Boy' or something like that. Remember the old Apple
// days before there was anyhthing like ratios or that shit? Remember the
cool alias like Death Master Lord of Fire, or some other 4 word alias
relating to the undead or satanism? Go for something like that. You'll
look big and powerful on the BBS!! Here's a few key words you can use in
your new alias for starters.
DEATH GOD
MASTER KILLER
KNIGHT WARLORD
LORD LORD
MASTER UNDEAD
BLOOD EVIL
HELL DESTROYER
MASTER MAN
CYBER- DIGITAL
4. OKay, another thing you'll need to change is your BBS. You DO run a BBS,
right? Only lamers don't run BBSes. So if you're a lamer, stop reading
this file. Here are the instructions.:
1. First you'll have to change the name of your BBS to something cool
and eye-catching. You may want to have the name related to
your alias. For example: if your alias is the Crypt Keeper,
you could use the Crypt as a BBS name. If not, just take out
any old Dungeons and Dragons book again and look for
something cool. Here's a few key words you can use as a
possible name:
UNDERGROUND CRYPT PIT(S) DUNGEON DIGITAL
ELECTRONIC CYBERNETIC -HOUSE CASTLE CAVE
CAVERNS MORGUE FORTRESS BOTIQUE(maybe not that one)
2. When you're running such a hot system, you'll have to take steps
to keep the lamers out. If others find out that lamers are calling
your board, they'll consider you a lamer, and blacklist you, and
then you'll probably want to commit suicide. Here's a few guidelines
to keep such lamers out:
-Make it 9600+ only. Only lamers use 2400 baud.
-Make it 14.4+ only. Only lamers use 9600 baud.
-Better yet, make it 16.8+ only. ONly lamers use..Hey, wait a
minute!
-Have a new user password, BBS password, SysOp page password
Better yet, have EVERYTHING require a password to use.
-Allow only long distance callers onto your BBS, cuz all the lamers
are in YOUR area code, and only cool people would pay(or even
cooler, to hack) to call your BBS. Sure everyone in your area
code won't like you, but hey, they're lamers, right?
-Have strict ratios. Make it about 10:1 ratio. You would be required
to upload 10K for every 1K you download.
-Allow only 0-3 day warez. Better yet, travil into the future and
get software not even released yet( -1 day warez!) Or you can
rename warez to make it look like it's a new version.
-Have only BIG warez online. Anything under 10 megs is pussy shit.
Only k00l warez are big suckers like OS/2,etc
-Put plenty of k00l anarchy text filez online. That's the latest fad
now.
3. Make it tough for new users to login. Have it near impossible!
This makes it tough for lamers to get in, since they usually
drop carrier after the second question(ENTER ALIAS:). Here's
a few sample questions to get you started:
-List your 3 latest warez(so we can leech 'em)
-Name three nationally known pirates
-List 3 cool BBSes that you're on in 3 different states
-Name all four of the Beatles(including Ringo's real last name)
-List the specifics of your system(anyone with a 286 or less
is pussy shit)
-What does FLT, THG, SOL, TNT and USA stand for?
-What BBS program did you release to the public?
(c'mon, EVERYONE has released a Forum hack)
-List the 3 latest warez you cracked.
4. Okay, now all you gotta decide is what BBS program to run. First
of all any BBS program that PD boards in your area run are lame
,so you cant use those. For safety's ake, run something with
a cool sounding name like ViSiOn-X or Oblivion/2, Immortal(hhah
) or the like. Just make sure it's a Forum hack. Make sure it
uses ANSI or AVATAR all over the place. Every word displayed
must be a different color.
5. Make sure that you have at least 90 megs of storage space on
your system. Doesn't matter if you only use 4 megs for the BBS,
just make sure it's big(that's what she said). Then you can flaunt
on your ads and to the chicks how much storage space you have!
Lamers fear large hard drives..
6. Be connected to EVERY pirate message network possible. This
sllows you free advertising nationwide.
7. Make sure EVERY ware you have online has your cracking group
initials in the title. Doesn't matter if you cover up what the ware
name is. Showing off is everything!
5. Okay, after you're all donw with that, you'll have users pouring in
wanting to join your immortal group. But first, they'll have to apply for
it! Just use your new user application for your BBS. That's all the info
you'll need. Get as many group members as you can! The more the merrier.
They'll spread the word and soon you'll have the nation's LARGEST cracking
group! The groupies will be all over you. Make T-Shirts, bumper stickers,
whatever to spread it out.
6. Now with all this, you HAVE to make a monthly(or often as you like)
magazine to tell of your group's latest happenings. Here are some
guidelines:
- You HAVE to use VGA and the SOundblaster. Just ain't cool without it.
- Make everything wordy just so the mag's big. Doesn't matter what it
says, just as long as it's big.
- Use graphics and various ads to make the ad big too. If you reach about
800k compressed, you're cool.
7. And probably the least important part about your group is the warez. Uh,
well since I don't know anything about cracking(and probably you don't
either if you're reading this), just improvise. Do a chop job. Either take
any software lying around the house that you bought or stole, and archive
it. Use the worst form of compression possible. This makes the warez big,
thus spelling big download points. Be sure to archive it to several files,
and have EACH file include your COOL cracking grop ad and BBS ad. It'll
take up more space. DOn't worry, you don't have to crack the ware since
you put (ITS)PRI-VATE for your BBS number! If they complain, tell 'em its
their computers fault. Upload this ware to ALL the boards you can call so
you get credit on every BBS you call, thus you can download more warez.
Now with all those warez you download, you can make them warez distributed
by your own group. Just take off any evidence showing that it wasn't
released by you guys, and put yours on it. Presto!
Well, I wish you best of luck on having your very own warez group. If you
have any dificulties whatsoever, just look at what the other boys and
follow them.
*** --- DEATH LORD MASTER OF HELL --- ***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************[ 3. Not-So-K-Rad Numbers ]*************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
VANITY NUMBERS
Sitting at home, bored as hell? Nothing to do? No conferences
or nuttin cool on IRC? Try this out for fun! You've all seen
thsoe vanity numbers, like 1-800-OPERATOR, right? Why not try to
explore unused vanity numbers?
I was so fucking bored, that I actually tried it. Let's see
what I came up with
1-800-FUCK-YOU PDQ phone sex line
1-800-EAT-SHIT another party line
1-800-SCREW-ME Sexual fantasies line(Gee, I see a trend here)
1-800-HOT-FAGS los angeles office of data central(?) worth a look
1-800-HOT-FUCK another phone sex line.
1-800-YOU-SUCK disconnected
1-800-YOU-NARC can't be reached from my calling area
1-800-IAM-LAME no answer. sounds lame to me
1-800-IMA-NARC can't be reached from my calling area
1-800-FUCK-MCI pilgrim telephone. Has a duck quacking(sounds like
NARK NARK!) before the Pilgrim message. HA!
1-800-FUCK-ATT pilgrim telephone. same as above.
1-800-IAM-K-RAD no answer. too k-rad for me to talk to them...
1-800-DIE-FAGS not available from my calling area
1-800-PRI-VATE (a lot of warez boards have this #) no answer..
1-800-U-FAGGOT UNISYS hotline
1-800-FAGGOTS cannot be completed as dialed
1-800-TIT-FUCK some fax machine. give 'em a fax of some woman
titfucking for a good laugh.
1-800-I8-PUSSY PDQ sex line.
1-800-BLUE-BOX no answer. must be blueboxing
1-800-2-KRAD-4U some lady answered! she must be too k-rad!
1-800-2-COOL-4U some guy's answering machine. sounded like some
redneck
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************[ 4. Notes from Andy Rooney ]***********************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Did you ever notice that when you give out a kode to somebody,
that somebody gives out to his friend, and he gives it out
to his friend, and so on?
-- Why is it that the kode dies within an hour?
-- Why does everybody think everybody else knows of a warez FTP
site, but never really tells you about it unless you give them
a code? Maybe I'll ask sometime, and give them that kode that
died an hour ago.
-- Why is it that the ANSI graphics mode is such a fascinating medium
to some people, and have made such an impact on modern society
that they form entire groups around it? Take ACID for example.
Maybe I'll start a RIP graphics group.
-- Why are there so many acronyms out there in H/P(see?) today? I mean
I get on #Phreak and hear stuff like "Well, I tried to logon
thru the 617 OD to ROV, but the SysOp was DOA when I tried to
connect via CCITT on my USR DS."
-- Why am I still on 60 Minutes after all these years?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
PaX iMPeRiaLiS
___________ ___ ___ _________
/ ________/ / \ / / / _____ | {Looks like this is }
/ / / | / / / / / / {the end! But tune }
/ /____ / / | / / / / / / {in next week for }
/ _____/ / /| |/ / / / / / {another KGB episode!}
/ / / / | / / / / / / {- The Under Dog Show}
/ /_______ / / | / / /____/ /
/__________/ /___/ |___/ /__________|