PAIN 

                       Meaning and purpose 
                   in the life of a Christian 


     The  experience  of  pain,  in whatever  form  it  takes  is 
universal.    Human  suffering  is one of  the  world's  greatest 
unanswered  questions.    Especially  during the newness  of  the 
Christmas season, do we become more and more aware of the mystery 
involved  in  it.   I'm not writing this article  to  attempt  an 
answer to the suffering question.   I am writing instead,  simply 
to  share  some  of my thoughts and experiences  on  the  matter.  
Also,   perhaps by examining my mistakes,  and efforts in dealing 
with pain,  you will have something to fall back on when it comes 
your way ... as it inevitably will. 
     Just by way of background, I was on Cross Fire '75, the team 
to West Africa.   I  spent much of the fifteen months we traveled 
in  pain,  and incredible fatigue.   I  never really took it  too 
seriously,   as  most  of  us were sick  regularly.    It  became 
frustrating for me, and the entire team though, when my illnesses 
outweighed my healthy times.   The situation reached a crisis the 
final  month  of  team when I just couldn't  continue.    I   was 
hospitalized  at  the  end  of  August  1976,   and  due  to  the 
persistence of a caring doctor,  discovered I was the victim (and 
had  been  for years)  of an incurable,  and  oftentimes  cruelly 
painful  disease called Systemic Lupus Erythemetosis.   Lupus for 
short.  The cause, and the cure remain unknown. 
     I remember laying in the hospital in a state of  dis-belief.  
My  head  whirled with questions,  but none so prevalent  as  the 
eternal "why?"  Why me ... why now ... why this?  I  was suddenly 
faced with the reality that I would be dealing with pain on a day 
to  day  basis for the rest of my life.   In the fear  that  such 
thoughts bring, I began to observe the attitudes toward suffering 
in  the  people  around me.   Most of us view pain  as  something 
alien,   something  to  eradicate  and be rid of  as  quickly  as 
possible.  This attitude may be fine when you deal with ills that 
are  temporal,  definable,  and curable.   But not all  suffering 
falls  into those categories.   What do we say to those ills  and 
accidents   that   leave  their  victims  permanently   disabled, 
disfigured, or mentally incapacitated?   We cannot simply dismiss 
them.  They are real, and difficult, and very much a mystery. 
     When a Christian deals with life situations, we must keep in 
mind  the  fact that God is a mystery.   He cannot be defined  or 
explained by our limited knowledge.   Who hasn't heard someone in 
desperation or grief ask the unanswerable "why?"  And who had the 
power and wisdom to respond?  Once we accept that sometimes there 
are  no  answers,  at least for now,  we experience a release  of 
those gnawing doubts,  and become free to start learning.    When 
there  are  no answers,  only questions for us,  we must look  to 
Christ,   and  His example.   Jesus felt.   He hurt and  laughed, 
suffered  and died as we all must.   He was and is God incarnate, 
sensitive counselor to our despair,  as He has felt the very same 
pain we do.   C.S. Lewis, upon the death of a dear friend,  wrote 
in his book A Grief Observed: 
     "When  I lay these questions before God,  I  get no  answer.  
But, a rather special no answer.  It is not a locked door.  It is 
more  like a silent,  certainly not unkind gaze.   As  though  He 
shook His head,  not in refusal, but waiving the question.  Like, 
'Peace Child, you don't understand." 
     The  enigma of pain reflects the mystery of God.   It begins 
as a journey of trust.  We can choose to accept and deal with our 
frailty,   or,  like Ivan Dostoevsky stated,  "If God offered  me 
suffering  as a pass through life,  I  for one would  return  the 
ticket."   We can face,  and even learn from the realities of our 
humanity, or we can run from them. 
     Why  must suffering remain a mystery?   I  can't give a  pat 
answer,   but isn't it true that the times we are closest to  the 
Lord  are those times we have no control?   For me these are also 
the hours of my greatest sensitivity and compassion to those near 
me.    It's  only when our efforts to rationalize  and  eradicate 
seemingly useless pain are gone,  and we reach the end of our own 
rope,  we see Christ's strength available to us.   If the mystery 
were  fully explained,  there would be no crisis.   Most of  all, 
there  would  be no need of our faith walk with God.    Pain  and 
suffering are not some type of Cosmic Character Builders sent  by 
the  Almighty.   They are however,  used by Him to strengthen and 
cleanse our relationship to Him and to each other. 
     As  Christians  we  believe that God's  promises  are  true.  
Romans 8:28  reminds us that the Lord is ever present and working 
in our trials.  Sometimes this is comforting, but often, the pain 
is still there,  and still very hard to cope with.   Just because 
we  know we are living a mystery,  and God is using it,   doesn't 
make  it hurt any less.   But so much of our suffering depends on 
our  attitude  toward  it.   It's very human,   and  necessary  I 
believe,   to  experience  fear,  anger,   self-pity,   and  even 
bitterness.   We wouldn't be normal if these emotions didn't pass 
through us.   I think so often of one of my African friends,  who 
when I reached a high pitched frustration, would always shake his 
head and say,  "Kristi, it will pass."  It will pass.  Fear,  and 
all  of the so-called "negative"  emotions that follow it can  be 
healthy,  normative,  and even creative forces in our lives.    A 
well balanced emotional human is capable of them all.   They only 
become evil when we allow them to immobilize and blind us to  the 
lessons  we could be learning.   Personally,  I  have  chosen  to 
concentrate on life,  my life as it is now.   I  cannot wish  the 
pain away, or ignore it.  It has become a very real part of who I 
am.    But what I can do,  whether I am suffering or not,  is  to 
concentrate  on  the  health  that exists  inside  of  me.    The 
acceptance of my human condition,  in the light of God's promises 
leads to a fresh hope, and a new peace of mind. 
     As  I study the Bible,  I'm always amazed at the  incredible 
sensitivity Jesus has toward us.   We humans,  unfortunately  are 
much  more ego-centric in our view of suffering.   We  mean  well 
usually, but never quite know what to say or do.  In sharing with 
a  person in pain,  or dealing with it yourself,  it is vital  to 
remember  that  the  suffering Christian lives  with  a  constant 
reminder  of  his/her  frailty.   There is no question  that  God 
heals,   likewise  there  is  no question that  we  don't  always 
understand  how  He  does so.   Ours is not a total  theology  of 
glory.  We live, as Martin Luther puts it,  "In the shadow of the 
Cross."    We  must take this cross seriously,  with all of  it's 
implications.  There is no victory without defeat,  glory without 
shame,  or health without suffering.   For example; I  cannot say 
that I have been healed of my disease. (Not yet anyway) I can say 
however,  that I have been healed of many other things through my 
disease.    I've  never felt as loved as when I discovered I  had 
Lupus.  I saw Christ alive through the caring of His church,  and 
I   experienced  firsthand  the  sensitivity  and  faith  of  His 
followers.  Healing with suffering ... victory, in the shadows. 
     I'd  like to tell you that I accept and trust at all  times, 
but  I  can't.   I'm human.   When I'm in pain,   I'm  constantly 
reminded  of my mortality.   But,  I'm also reminded that in  the 
shadow (or light?)  of the cross, and God's promise of redemption 
through Christ, there is hope. 
     In  closing  out my thoughts,  I  think  it's  important  to 
mention  a little bit on the practical side of sensitivity to the 
suffering person.  I  believe the most important attitude you can 
take is honesty.   A  person is rarely alone in their pain.    If 
there  are people around who care,  they will be suffering  also.  
If  you  find  yourself in that boat,  don't be afraid  to  admit 
you're afraid.  Be honest about your feelings, hurts,  and fears.  
If  you're  angry or confused,  talk about it,   it  helps.    Be 
supportive  of the suffering person,  but don't pity them.    Let 
them know you care by being yourself,  that is after all who they 
love and need.  Accept the ills of those you're dealing with as a 
part  of  themselves.   A  very real part.   Most of all,   don't 
underestimate  them.    They  will fight the  pain,   fear,   and 
desperation hand in hand with you, and with our Lord. 
     I hope some of the things I've talked about will help you in 
your  trials.    I  hope it helps the next time you hold me,   or 
someone like me as they cry.   I  hope most of all,  you use your 
experience in suffering to grow in sensitivity,  and that our God 
will burn into your conscience your need of Him in health as well 
as  pain.    This  Christmas,  may you be guided  by  the  tender 
compassion of our bleeding Savior. 

Kristi Lee Hernmeir 

NOTE:  This article was written by Kristi for the Christmas, 1977 
issue  of the National Lutheran Youth Encounter Newspaper.    The 
article was written only a few days before Kristi's death.       
     Permission  to reprint the article was given by Pastor  Gene 
and Ruby Hernmeir, Kristi's parents.