The Virtues of a Cucumber
                       Submitted by Lexi
 
I keep getting asked about the poster in my bathroom ("Why A Cucumber Is
Better Than A Man").  Then I noticed this book on sale: Cucumbers are Better
than Men Because..  I give up. Here's some of the distilled wisdom on
cucumbers (phrasing has been changed to protect against copyright
infringement).
 
Cucumbers will stay hard for more than a week. A cucumber is usually at 
least six inches long. Cucumbers don't tell you size doesn't count.
 Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, hair dresser, or tennis
 instructor.
 
A cucumber won't ask about your previous lover, or speculate about 
the next.
A cucumber won't make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
fridge. A cucumber won't proposition your best friend. A cucumber doesn't
want to improve your mind. A cucumber doesn't care if you don't shave your
legs. A cucumber won't bug you about losing weight or going to exercise
class. A cucumber can stay up all night.
 With a cucumber, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot.
 Cucumbers can't carry a cold or the clap -- they grow
their own penicillin. A cucumber won't tell you a vasectomy
 will ruin it for him.
 A cucumber won't tell you he had a vasectomy when he really didn't.
 A cucumber won't use your toothbrush, deodorant, or hair spray. 
A cucumber doesn't leave hair in your sink or a ring in your bathtub. 
A cucumber won't serve to your backhand.
 Cucumbers grow in "it"; they aren't full of it.
 A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
 With a cucumber, you'll never find used jogging shorts in your lingerie.
 A cucumber doesn't expect you to do his laundry.
 A cucumber never asks your age.
 No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
 
You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket, and know how firm it is
 before you take it home.  A cucumber will never give you a hickey. A
 cucumber can get away any weekend. With a cucumber, you don't have 
to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."
 
You can go to the movies with a cucumber, and see the movie. A cucumber
 won't eat all the popcorn and send you out for nachos. 
 A cucumber will always respect your privacy, and not want to
 do it in unusual places.
  A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
 
Cucumbers never need a round of applause.  Cucumbers never suffer from
performance anxiety.  A cucumber doesn't ask "Was I the best?"
  A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
 With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
  Cucumbers don't compare notes.
 
Cucumbers don't have sex hangups, and aren't into chains 
and leather and talking dirty. 
 A cucumber won't make you wear kinky clothes.
 
You can have as many cucumbers a night as you can handle.
  You can eat a cucumber whenever you feel like it.
 
A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're 
in line for a promotion.
A cucumber doesn't care if you make more money than he does.
  A cucumber doesn't bum cigarettes and ask you to cook dinner.
  A cucumber won't switch channels from your soaps to "All Star Wrestling."
Cucumbers don't turn your sewing room into a gym,chill
 their Nikes in your fridge, or lift weights by hoisting 
you over their head.
  A cucumber doesn't call with "I have to work
tonight" and then come home totally sloshed.  
A cucumber doesn't lose its firmness when pickled.
 
 A cucumber doesn't ask "Can we try something new?"
  A cucumber doesn't have allergies to your cat.
  A cucumber doesn't leave whisker burns, drool on your 
sheets, or fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. 
 Cucumbers don't ask for breakfast in bed.
 
A cucumber doesn't make *you* go to the 7-11.
  You'll never find out later that your cucumber is still married.
  A cucumber won't call you Jill when your name is Nancy.
  A cucumber doesn't expect you to play Florence nightingale.

Well, I'm yet to meet a cucumber who felt rejected because I didn't feel like
eating it just then.