How to Get Laid
by Leeanne Hayes
It's worse than Russian roulette. How can you guys even predict scoring?
The ones that look like they will, won't. The ones that look like they
won't, will. The ones you'd wish you'd never met, offer to blow you when you
haven't even asked. The aggressive ones scare the hell out of you by backing
you into closets at parties and groping you while the guests look on in
amusement.
Cocktail waitresses can give you a million ideas on what doesn't work,
bartenders can give you a million ideas on what does.
What's a man to do? It doesn't appear in Amy Vanderbilt and even if it
did, her advice probably wouldn't work either. The athletic club is no
counseling center; you might as well go to Planned Parenthood. Christ, fellow
jocks who probably haven't had a piece in months, expounding on secret trysts
that never occurred. No guy is going to tell you HE ever failed. All you men
get is unrealistic hype!-hints that don't make it. Hence, My Personal Guide
For How to Get Laid.
Tip 1. Know What Makes Them Weak. They all have a soft spot, somewhere,
hidden behind that iron feminist demeanor. Women are always on the
defensive so you won't reject them first. They feel you will no
longer be interested if they act like they like you. Doesn't everyone
always want what they can't have? They were taught to play "hard to
get" from the time they were tots and cultivated the habit from
watching you pursue girls who were indifferent to you. All women have
a sentimental streak. But what works for one will not necessarily
work for another.
Tip 2. Act Nonchalant. This will cause them to think you date regularly and
have sampled many different women, which will cause them to try
harder to please you. Everyone wants to be respected. No one wants to
be exploited. You can always exploit them later.
Tip 3. Never Act Desperate. Don't appear at the door with a giant hard-on,
get down on your knees claiming you only have one month to live or
that you have prostate trouble and if you don't have intercourse, the
urologist said your life will be in danger. Women are wise to this.
They have heard every imaginable excuse. If you're going to bullshit
them, you'd better be extremely creative.
Tip 4. Don't Try Anything (at First). An excellent way to work your way into
her pants is to go out with her a couple of times and don't try
anything at all, even a goodnight kiss on the cheek. Every woman
expects to be approached. They are hopeful and eager for it, even if
they are going to reject you. Not trying is a sure winner. It drives
them crazy. They'll call their girlfriends and their analysts and
marvel in utter disbelief, "He didn't even try." How humiliating to
have a man like you for your mind in this day of raw sexuality, where
Gay Talese and Hugh Hefner are the most admired people of junior high
school students. Wornen want to be desirable as well as
intellectually stimulating. They want to be coveted like a Playboy
centerfold but you lay a hand on them before they're ready and VA VA
VOOM!!! They want to be lusted after, even if they hate you.
Rejection bothers everyone, no matter what people say.
Tip 5. Be Natural. I know it's hard to be natural in California but try.
Don't drive up in a rented Bill Blass Continental, complete with a
Pierre Cardin shirt and tie, Gucci shoes, Bijan scarf. Be unique but
be yourself. Boring is better than bullshit. It seems that nowadays
everything has a signature: jeans, purses, even condoms. Don't go
overboard on appearance. Don't arrange items on the back seat of your
car so you appear interesting, i.e. professional journals,
intellectual books, athletic equipment, expensive cologne, etc. Bor
looks like you hired a personality decorator. If Woody Allen tried to
be George Hamilton, it would never work.
Tip 6. Chemistry. A lot can be said about chemistry. You know the feeling.
Once in a while chemistry will occur (she could even be ugly, but she
sews her own clothes and has a quick wit). It doesn't matter where
you take her, what you say, how you dress or dance, you shall
overcome. Women know after five minutes if they are going to sleep
with you, either that night or in the future. Predicting what a woman
will do or how she will react is like trying to predict the weather,
but it doesn't hurt to be ready, just in case (you know, clean
sheets, maybe a bottle of champagne). Sometimes, during the course of
an evening, they change their minds. I have known so many women who
said, "I'd never sleep with him in a million years!" But as the
evening wears on, they begin to weaken. Your charm and attractiveness
come through and they decide to have sex with you after all. These
sudden decisions can occur at any time (during the first course of a
meal, at intermission, riding in the car).
Tip 7. The Kamikaze Approach. Don't come on like a vocal, financial and
intellectual hurricane. You know what I mean: In the first five
minutes you boast how you became a millionaire, traveled the world,
own houses in every country, got bored with jets, are sick of yachts,
country clubs, polo, hotels and Club Med. A woman can tell if a man
has money; it shows even if he never speaks. Don't ask them before
the first cocktail if they'd like to go to San Francisco for the
weekend. Firstly, if they say yes, you have nothing to work for. How
impressionable she must be; this girl is definitely looking for a
Sugar Daddy or a fast whirlwind weekend. You don't want freeloaders.
Secondly, if she says yes in the first five minutes, how is she to
know you're not Richard Speck? Too impulsive. Sex and lust should
occur because of overwhelming tenderness, that crazy feeling that
possesses you, not because, "I bought you dinner so you owe it to me"
or "Well, we're both here, what the hell."
Tip 8. Sport Fucking. If you are like a little boy in a candy store and must
sample everyone, do so with decorum and hygiene. But sooner or later,
this will become an exhausting, abominable way of life. You won't be
able to remember what story you told to whom, or who you took to
certain restaurants. You'll say things like, "We sure had an elegant
meal at Ma Maison" to your Tuesday night companion. She will know
perfectly well it was some other cupcake who was the recipient of
that wonderful meal. This will really piss her off if you've been
taking her to Denny's. The thing that offends me about sport fucking
is that it's like having a second cup of coffee, as routine and
commonplace as brushing your teeth. Sex should be special, always. If
you need sex that much, jack off (you don't want the title of
one-minute-wonder, anyway), or buy yourself an inflatable doll to
practice with, or hire a prostitute. There is nothing wrong with
zipless fucks, but I assume guys want "semi-meaningful"
relationships, as well as sexually satisfying ones. Don't be the
sexual Bruce Jenner on your block. Sooner or later you will get tired
of the juggling, scheduling scene.
Tip 9. (Don't Be) "The Professor of Desire & a Budding Dr. Masters." Even
if you are a George Hamilton, don't verbalize about how you were
interviewed for the Kinsey report because of your talent, how you
study human sexuality, edited such books as The Joy of Sex, The
Sensuous Man, and quarterlies like Human Sexuality. Don't admit you
were asked to pose for Playgirl. It never hurts to keep a low
profile. Good lovers need not boast. And big talkers don't
necessarily make good lovers. All that hype can damage your psyche.
Tip 10. Never Call Them Cunts. Speak about all past, present and future
women with great admiration, affection, concern, and fondness, but
not at great length. They will figure you have a wonderful
relationship with your mother (even if you don't, lie) and love
women in general. This means respect: Respect means action.
Tip 11. Sympathy. Another way to get them really cranked up is that old line
"I was hurt so deeply, I'll never fall in love again." Immediately
they want to rehabilitate you, cook your dinner, clean up your
house, work in your garden, spoil you. "I'll show him it can be
different" they're thinking, wanting to smother your pain away with
their breasts, stroking your face, deviously working on a new
campaign to abolish your hurt.
Tip 12. Macho Is Out! Don't brag about how you can't wait for hunting season
to begin and that you race dragsters on the weekends. Personally, I
find men who are sensitive to animals (especially cats) appealing.
(I have three of them.) Goldfish don't make it. Birds maybe.
Tip 13. Cheapness. Randy Newman can sing about "Short People" but nothing is
more offensive to women than cheap men. God help the guy who brings
a sack lunch and takes his date to the drive-in. Never mention the
high cost of living before you give your order to the waiter. Never
admit to not making your child support or alimony payments.
Bra-burning feminists could become violent, visualizing your
children praying for subsidized school lunches.
Tip 14. "Fools Rush In." You remember that old song. Don't push. Be patient.
Women are used to being "expected" to put out. They are on the
defensive. One false move and they'll duke you. Be coy and they'll
probably rape you. Then you'd better have the goods to deliver. Most
women I know prefer genuine, even unattractive men to handsome
bimbos. A relationship is like a tennis game!-you want to play with
someone who hits better than you do, or at least as well. Likewise,
most women want a man who is as smart as or smarter than they are.
No one wants to go around with an uninformed, social klutz. You
wouldn't. On the other hand, some women I know prefer weak men so
they can push them around and dominate them.
Tip 15. "Your Castle" shouldn't be overdone. It shouldn't look like Sexual
Revolution Headquarters. No monogrammed wine bottles, beepers. Don't
have the answering service call you repeatedly to make you appear
popular. No penicillin bottles in plain sight. Your shampoo should
not be Kwell.
Tip 16. Your Profession. Don't play the part; don't come over with a
stethoscope draped around your neck or a slide rule in your hip
pocket. Never take her to your office so she can see you've "made
it." This process produces the reverse; by showing them, you are
trying to reassure yourself. Besides, it's so pompous.
Tip 17. Welfare Fucks. These are the girls you owe it to but can't seem to
get it up for and dread having to do so.... We all have people to
whom we owe fucking. People that have been overly generous, helpful
and kind because they genuinely wanted to help you. People who went
out of their way to assist you when the chips were down and asked
nothing in return. (See, asking nothing in return makes you want to
reward them out of guilt.) But beware . . . you don't screw your
friends; this can't help but change the comfortable relationship you
share now. And inevitably, the reason for this close, fond
friendship is the absence of sex. Always wondering makes it more
fun. Never do anything unless it feels right.
Tip 18. Those Angry Libbers. Feminists can be so trying. Everything you say
can and will be used against you. Everything you say is wrong,
sexist. Don't tell them they look nice or they'll accuse you of
using them for sex symbols. Be ambivalent. Tell them you think Bella
Abzug is beautiful, you make less money than they do for the same
job, and you love to make coffee in the morning and deliver it to
co-workers.
Tip 19. Too Close for Comfort. You know who they are, the people you've
known for some time and have always been attracted to; business
associates, people you've been curious about. A note of caution! Be
careful. What happens if something serious develops? This could be
difficult to explain to your steady. Perhaps the Too Close for
Comforts are the unions that should take place, but think twice. If
you hate each other someday, you might really be sorry you fulfilled
your lustful desire.
In closing: What can I say? Some of us will do anything after an elegant
meal and a bottle of wine. The more we drink, the mellower we get. The more
money a man spends, the more we extend our affections.
Remember, excitement comes in many forms. We're nervous too. We would put
out to all of you except there is a rumor going around that nice girls
don't and if she does, she won't be respected.
But who wants to be respected? You can't get an orgasm from respect. We want
to fuck as much as you do, but it's up to you to convince each of us that
you're a great lover and worth fucking.