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How to be a jackass on teleconferences
[THE IMPROVED EDITION]
by Urza
Made especially for Cuebiz and his Telco-Inside orgy
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<==TABLE OF CONTENTS==>
1- Introduction
2- Overview
3- Methods
3.1- Oddball Stories
3.2- Yelling
3.3- Toning
3.4- Strange Music
4- Personal Experience
5- Fin
=======================
[1-INTRODUCTION]
Greetings! Some of you may be wondering to yourselves "Self, didn't I see this
somewhere before?" Yeah, you probably did, as the first version of this textfile
was posted in the Cal.phonelosers.org forums. In a attempt to keep this textfile
alive, I asked my good pal Cuebiz if he could put it on his site
(telco-inside.spunge.org) he said he would I added a neato header and changed
some things around... Well I did adding a new method and new material to the
original methods. I also added my own personal experience with this textfile,
which is just a description of how Moosealini, Gzaector, and I annoyed the
Phonelosers Voice Bridge one night with crazy music. Thats all I got to tell you
right now, so enjoy this IMPROVED textfile!
-Urza/Vin Diesel
[2-OVERVIEW]
Hey there new phreak or old phreak with an attitude problem! Have you ever
wanted to act like a TOTAL JACKASS on a teleconference and wow all your 31337
friends? If you said yes, then I salute you, even though that you could have
friends after acting like a TOTAL JACKASS! Moving on, This textfile will teach
you the "ABCs" of being a jackass on teleconferences.
First off, you must get info of an impending teleconference, so ask around (dont
beg, thats what I do and I want to stay original) or maybe look through h/p forums
and maybe you'll get a conference number and access code, who knows? i dont...
Once you get the info, wait until the exact time of the start and, dial in, and
let the fun begin!
[3-METHODS]
{3.1-Oddball Stories}
When your peers delve into a very intelligent conversation about the discovery of
a extender or about a phreak's latest adventure involving the fooling of an Ameritech
lineman, just start talking about something completely unrelated to
the matter at hand... for example
Phreak 1: I was scanning a few hours ago, and I found a bunch of test numbers
Phreak 2: 31337, are these test numbers in a Central Office specified prefix?
Phreak 1: I think so, I've never seen the prefix before
Some Random Jackass: And so I ran around the pond screaming for help,
my little brother flailing his arms wildly in the water. The medics finally arrived
and tried pulling my brother out of the water with a innertube, but it was too late,
he drowned and I never saw him again
Phreak 2: What?
Some Random Jackass: There was no real funeral, since we couldnt find the body in the pond.
I cried myself to sleep that night, fondly remembering great memories of me and my
kid brother, fishing, playing catch, trying on women's clothing...
Phreak 1: Trying on women's clothing?
Most likely, some people will find this funny and laugh, but I'm guranteering that
you'll get mixed responses from doing this
{3.2-Yelling}
Another thing to do is when your peers are about to prank someone, start saying
stupid shit in a growly voice until the prank victim hangs up, thus ruining
the hilarity of the prank, for example...
Phreak 1: Ok I'll dial the number
Phreak 2: What are we going to say?
Phreak 3: Something right off the top of your head
[Victim picks up]
Victim: Hello? Tower Records?
Phreak 3: Uh yes... Do you have any old Madonna...
[This is where you come in with the growly voice]
Some Random Jackass: I AM SATAN! OBEY MY AWESOME MALEVOLENT STRENGTH!
Victim: What?
Phreak 1: That was nothing, I meant, do you have an...
Some Random Jackass: THE EARTH WILL SWIM WITH THE BLOOD OF ALL OF THE SINNERS AND
I SHALL LAUGH FROM MY DARK LAIR! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Victim hangs up]
Phreak 1: You dickhole!
Some Random Jackass: WHAT WAS THAT?! I WILL SMITE YOU WITH MY WICKED AXE OF EVIL!
Even though I find this hilarious, most people wont since you ruined a potentially
hilarious prank call...
{3.3-Toning}
Well, this section is obviously going to be short since theres no real extensive
explanation of toning. All toning is just pushing a random button down, emitting a
constant and very annoying tone. I don't condone this, but hey, its your ass, not
mine. So do it if you want to
{3.4-Strange Music}
Okay, a last thing you can do while on the conference to prove you jackassness, is
of course the most annoying thing ever, besides toning, is to play loud music
right into the telephone speaker. For example:
Phreak 1: Yeah, the VMS number is x-xxx-xxx-xxxx
Phreak 2: I'll check it out, are these boxes easy to own?
Phreak 1: yeah, definately
[2 Live Crew "Me So Horny" starts playing out of nowhere]
Song: Me so horny, me so horny, me so horny, me love you long time
Phreak 1: What?
[For extra kicks, make unintelligible grunts while the song is playing]
Ive done this so many times! Aside from being very annoying, its the
most hilarious method because you can have a wide variety of crazy music
to play into the phone, I recommend weird shit, like Weird Al, Anal Cunt,
Chipmunks, or better yet, Korean techno (yeah Moosealini)
[4-PERSONAL EXPERIENCE]
A couple of weeks ago, Gzaector passed along to me a tollfree number
that was being forwarded to the ever so popular Phonelosers Voice Bridge
(which, in my honest opinion, is a cesspool of white trash) I reminded
Moosealini of the number and at around 9pm that night we dialed into
the conference and started blasting music (to you people who are reading
this who were on the VB that night, we were the ones playing the Korean
techno and Misfits songs) Despite the immaturity, it was funny (we think
so anyway)
[5-FIN]
I hope you liked my textfile, it was my first one since my "apprehension"
a few months ago. Goodbye my h/p peers, and remember, there is only one
Vin Diesel
-Urza