How to hit a payphone for all it's worth

by Saint Boyce

09/24/01

Contents:
=========

Introduction

Crack the Safe
Instant Key
The kraziest shiznit I've ever seen
Get the lead out
Icy Cold
Fun with twine
The two-dollar trick
Foam insulation
Got Milk?
The ancient art of paper-mache
Elmer's
Snot Rockets

PLUS
====
The Fixer's vending machine trick
MMM...MAGNETS....
Conclusion


INTRO
=====

Here you are.  Your ritzy job at the GIT-N-Go doesn't pay quite enough.  You're broke, and 
there's something you need to get.  But you're low on funds.  Or your hobby's getting too 
expensive, and is starting to attract attention.  Let's face it.  You're broke.  Perpetually 
broke, despite the fact that you have a job.  

And if there's one thing that I've learned, it's this:  If you make enough money to support 
yourself, but you are ALWAYS broke, people will start to notice.  Parents, coworkers, and 
faculty alike will also start to notice other small things that might put you into danger 
later on.  

You wear strange clothes and listen to strange music [that alone could get you put away...].  
You hang out with "Odd" people, even if these are the same straight-A intellectuals that you 
have known since you were ten.  You go out to God-knows-where at night, and appear restless 
during the day.  You've developed an advanced hatred for the sun, and you spend a great many 
hours reading from your collection of vintage paperbacks.... well, maybe that's just me.  
Anyhow, people will see that you're acting strange.  And since you're probably not the most 
popular person in town, they'll assume that you're on drugs.  [Of course, if they spent any 
actual Time with you, they'd know better].

OR, maybe you get lots of sleep, you listen to N*SUCK, and you're the most k-rad guy on the 
football team.....   YOU BASTARD!     I mean....GOOD JOB!  You've done the first thing to make 
yourself invisible to the eyes of the law [but I pity you].  The trick to staying invisible is 
not to draw attention to yourself.  Have just the right amount of visible cash coming in.  

Which leads me to my first tip: don't get greedy.  If telco checks the fones and they're empty, 
then you can bet someone's gonna be sitting around, just waiting for you to work your magic.  I 
don't know about where you live, but in Oklahoma if you're caught messing with Bell, then you 
could be hit with some serious charges.  The lowest I've ever even heard of was destruction of 
private property [$50+ Community Service]...and that little bastard copped a plea!  

Look, if you fuck the coin slot, take it all.  If you crack the safe, take half.  [Unless you're 
just passing through, then take it all.  But for Christ's sake, don't do it at DefCon!].  And 
don't forget to alternate phones, I can't stress that enough.  If they catch you, you'll pay it 
all back, and then some.  The only upside to this is that they don't wait to take you into 
custody, and they won't try to get you to snitch.  Go in, pay your bail, you're gone.  If you 
have any money left....


Special Note:  some of this stuff I've learned from Fixer, U.T.A., and YIPL.  Also, I learned 
Crack the Safe from an English guy.  I don't know who or where, but he is one kickass teen.  :]  
If I learned it from anyone, it'll be listed with the trick.  Peace.  Oh, and by the way, don't 
blame me when you get caught.  If you're crazy enough to listen to the ramblings of some queer 
you've never even met... well, then I guess you really are a phreak.


"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup".


Crack the Safe
==============

Out of every trick I've ever seen, this is definitely my all-time favorite.  It costs between 
ten dollars and zero dollars [but on average costs about three].  Also, if you do it just right, 
you can be in and out in less than twenty seconds.

You need:

one hacksaw blade; borrow one, hide it in your pant leg 
                   [3/8 inch work fine, though most all will work too]
one small allen wrench; or just use a big nail [be careful]
one flathead screwdriver; the short, fat ones are best for this
one sock; you can use a plastic baggie, but I wouldn't reccomend it 
          [make sure that it's a good sock with no holes though]

Instructions:

Okay, now that you have all of the necessary equipment, your blade should look something like 
this:
	 _______________________________________________________________
	|  _						                |
	| (_)								|
	|_______________________________________________________________|

And your allen wrench should look kinda like this:


	 _____________________
	|  ___________________|		[hey, use your imagination!]
	| |
	|_|


Okay, here's what you do.  You run the long end of the allen wrench through the hole in the blade.  
This will be your handle.  Make sure the sharp end is up before continuing.
                                     
You should see the keyhole:          | |
                                     | |
                                    (   )
                                     | |
				     | |     Or something like that

Now place the opposite end of the blade [sharp side up] into the keyhole.  Push it in as far as 
it will go.  Tilt your end down [keeping it in the hole] until it's about at a forty-five degree 
angle.


  P	|
  H	|\
  O	| \      <---------Blade     
  N	|  \
  E	|   \
	|    \/  <---------Allen Wrench Handle    
 	|    /\
	 
Make sure no one's around to see you first, then PULL as hard as you can.  Make sure to keep it 
at a downward angle while you're doing this, or it won't work.  You shouldn't be able to see any 
change in the phone bank itself, but it doesn't make any difference.

Now the bank can be opened by any screwdriver, key, or flat metal object known to man.  I've 
often thought of cutting a penny in half, and using that, but you probably couldn't get any 
torque.  Just dump the money into the sock, and go home to count your loot.  With the recent 
toll increase, your half could be over a hundred dollars.  Oh, and don't stand there like a 
schmuck counting it; just eyeball it and give yourself the bigger half.  And if, for some reason, 
you completely demolish the phone bank, take the whole thing and never come back.  M'kay?



Instant Key
===========


Okay, I learned this from YIPL, and I'm passing it on to you.  

You Need:

Quick-Dry Clay; Like red pottery clay
A bit of floss or string; you can also use a knife
Molding Clay; Optional, in case you want to make a metal key [playdoh works fine]
Low-heat Solder; Optional--Or lead, you can find all of this at hobby shops or catalogs


Instructions:

This is for payfones and vending machines that have a key slot shaped like a bulls-eye.


       ___
      /	_ \		[Think ROUND!]
      |(_)|
      \_|_/

The inner circle is where the key is placed, if that gives you a better idea.

Now that you see it, mash the clay inside it.  Make sure yu get it all the way in, or the key 
won't work.  Now pull it out and dry it.  Make sure it's completely dry; follow the directions.  
You might want to wait a few hours past what the package says.  If you use regular clay let it 
set at least 24 hours, and don't use it for at least 48.  I'm serious.  If it's not dry, you'll 
fuck it up by using it [i.e. you'll have to do it over].  Clay is good because you can crumble 
it if you're about to get caught, or if you see someone suspicious.

If you want to make a better key, press the clay key into the molding clay.  You don't have to 
bake it; in fact, don't bake it.  It'll shrink the mold and the key won't fit.  Next, take a 
spoon or other metal container [or just let it drip into the mold].  Hold the lead or solder to 
a flame, and melt it.  Quickly dump the metal into the mold, taking care not to burn yourself.  
Pour more into the mold until you have a key.  Make sure that you have a handle for it as well, 
or you won't be able to use it!  [To make a handle, just cut away some of the clay before making 
the mold].



The kraziest shiznit I've ever seen
===================================


You Need:

Krazy Glue; don't but the little bottles, buy the big ones!  You can find this at hardware             
stores, hobby shops, and the like Wire; craft wire, copper, whatever.  If it's bendy, us it.  
Wire hangers and pipe cleaners work best, though. Scotch Tape; Optional, to give the bended wire 
girth


Instructions:

First, take the wire and bend it around and around, until you have a spiral about an inch by an 
inch.  Squeeze the ends together until to make it more squarish.  Pour krazy glue in the corners.  
Be sure to add a strong wire loop at what will be the bottom.  Now, grab the loose end of the 
wire [maybe about four inches] and push the square through the return coin slot and up into the 
return shaft.  If it won't fit up there, take the square and sort of fold it so that it looks 
like a cylinder.  Fold it just enough for it to fit.  If it still won't fit, fold it more.  The 
point of this is to establish the size of the payphone's slot.  

Now that you know how big the slot is, make a note of it.  While it's still in that shape, douse 
it in krazy glue until it's solid and slightly sticky.  You can also use scotch tape, but add 
krazy glue to it so it will stay slotted better.  Cut off the wire, but save it.  Now use the 
wire to push it back up the slot, as far as it will go this time.

Now, when anyone tries to return their 50c, they'll get nothing.  After a couple of days, you 
should have a pretty good amount of change.  But no more than a few dollars, if that.  At a busy 
phone, you might want to come back to it in a few hours and retrieve your change.  

*What?  Well, fuck, I might as well just close off the whole thing!!!*

I thought you'd never ask.


Get the lead out
================

This is really a trick for winter, when the temperature won't melt the solder.

You Need:

A low-melt solder; I prefer one that melts at 100F, but highler will work.  Test it out with your                    
lighter first
A lighter; any will work, Zippo's work best
A spoon or butter-knife; Optional, to smoothe out the solder

You might want to stick something into the flapper door of the phone to keep it closed.  Toilet 
paper or cotton balls work nice.  Hold the solder around the flame.  Drip it into the crevasse on 
the door.  Or, you can drip it into the back of a spoon or butter knife.  Spread it so that it 
looks even.  [This can also be done with lead].  When you go back, just hold your lighter to the 
door, and it'll all drip off.


Icy Cold
========

Also in the winter, VERY easy.

You Need:

Water; NOT salty [put it in a bottle]
Lighter; any will do
Vaseline; Optional

Whenever you come upon a telephone, squirt water all over the door.  In a while it'll freeze 
[can you imagine?].  When you come back, just melt the ice.  Make sure that there's enough ice.  
You might want to go around the block [do all the phones] and squirt more water on it.  People 
might try to break the ice to get their money, so just spread vaseline on the ice when it dries.  
Use tons.


Fun with twine
==============

This trick might not work on Bell fones.  I've only done it on rural fones, because they're the 
only ones I have access to.

You Need:

Thick fishing line; the yellow kind that people use for big bass fishing
A quarter; in Beggs we use nickels because the fones won't ake quarters
A drill;  or a nail, a hammer and some patience
Vise; Optional, only use if you don't have any patience handy    :]

Take the quarter and put it in the vise [or hold it].  Drill a hole in it; doesn't matter where.  
Now tie the fishing line through the hole.  You may want to tie one on, then another, etc. all 
in a row.  Make sure the line is at least fourteen inches long [eighteen inches is best].  Put 
the quarter in like you're going to make a call.  Hang up.  While holding on to the line[s], pull 
out the quarter.  Put another quarter in, and if it falls out, then it works.  If not, then try 
removing some of the lines.  If it still doesn't work, give up.  If it DOES work, cut off the 
quarter, and tie the lines together.  You might want to spray the whole mess silver, or just tie 
it up and put a padlock on it.  It's been my experience that if people think telco did it, they 
won't mess it up.  Unless they're teenagers, then you're screwed.   :]    Oh, and make sure that 
you put the door back.  I always use a stopper so that it will stay closed.  Don't try to leave 
the fone like that for more than a week, or you'll be caught.  



The two-dollar trick
====================

I'm proud to say this trick was developed by me.  I've done this I-dont-know-how-many times, all 
to great success.  WARNING:  guys might be horrified, but it has an added advantage for them.  
You have been warned.  This trick is incredibly simple, and only costs two dollars to do the 
whole block.  I did my whole town for 50c.  

You Need:

Maxi Pads; 
One ounce of gas;  Optional, to burn them when you want your money
Lighter; Optional, to burn the gas
Small plastic funnel; to funnel the gas

Instructions:

Take a maxi pad and roll it up as tight as you can get it.  [Try to squeeze all of the air out 
of it as you roll].  Make sure you leave it in the package, unless you can't get it to fold all 
the way.  Using a few mini pads works well if you can't get it to fit.  [Same as maxis, but put 
them in one at a time].  When you want to retrieve your cash, you can try to pull them out.  OR, 
you can use gas.  Now, oftentimes you won't be able to fit the end of the funnel into the slot. 
So just squish the end until it's flat enough tofit into the slot.  Then pour a tiny amount of 
gas into the slot, making sure to get some on the outside.  IMPORTANT: Only use a SMALL amount 
of gas.  Using a lot can cause an explosion, and will Definitely cause a scene.  


Foam Insulation
===============

Now this has its advantages over many other tricks in that you only use leftovers.  Plus it's 
easier to open than some of the others.

You Need:

Foam insulation; usually if you ask nicely people will give you leftovers from construction jobs.                  
You can also buy them in spray cans at many hardware stores.  Small cans can be about five to 
ten dollars. At least one hand; must have thumb.

Instructions:

You can usually do this during the daytime, but if someone sees you they'll probably think you're 
spray-painting it.  If anyone can see you, then you might want to wait for night.  [Or just dress
up like Telco.  *No ma'am, I'm just oiling it up.  Wouldn't want it to get all sticky in there.
*  Just try and hold off on the laughter until she leaves ;)].  Okay, just spray a small amount 
of foam into the slot, behind the door.  It'll expand to just the right amount.  When you want 
the money, just wrap your left hand around the corner of the phone.  Press your thumb into the 
door hard, and you'll crush the hardened foam.  You can also use a knuckle if you're in a hurry.


Got Milk?
=========

This is a recipe for milk wheat paste.  This is what many activists use to paste their posters, 
because it's environmentally friendly.  Very popular back in the sixties.  Costs nothing, as long 
as you have the ingredients.  If not, go ask your neigbors.  No, don't take your gun.

You Need:

Flour; you're supposed to use wheat flour, but any flour is good
Milk; if you use water, it might not even stick [or disintigrate]

Instructions:

Mix about two cups milk with a half cup flour.  This should make a thick liquid.  How long it 
dries depends on the temperature inside your phone.  It could take an hour, it could take a day.  
You should probably wait until summer for this.  If you want it to dry faster, make dough.  Mix 
two cups flour with two cups milk.  If you're REALLY pressed for time or the amount you can carry 
around, warm the milk and add three packets of yeast.  Set the yeasty dough in a warm place 
[covered] for an hour.  Expect the yeast to grow fivefold [or more].  

To apply paste:  put a funnel [or something slanty] into the coin slot [or the return slot].
To remove paste pour water into coin slot.  Leave water for a few hours.  Or, put gas into the 
return slot [NOT coin slot].  Light gas.  Flour will turn to dust and when the coins cool, take 
them home and rinse them.

To apply dough:  roll up a ball that can fit into the coin-return slot.  Stick it in.  While it 
may be easier to apply, it's a real bitch to remove.  You can either use an emory board and 
scratch it away, use a pick/knife/pointy object and pick it away, or use something to dissolve 
it.  Whatever you do, don't use acid.  If there are any wires exposed, you could short them and 
cause a very explosive fire that can kill/disfigure you.  As always, be VERY careful when using 
gas.


Paper-mache
===========

WAY easier than wheat paste, and costs [at most] a buck fifty.  Has a few variations, but all in 
all the same basic recipe.

You need:

Paper; newspaper is best
Water; to put on paper
Gas; just in case you're out of patience
Elmer's glue; Optional, for stickiness
Blender; Optional, for ease

Instructions:

Cut paper into strips.  If you plan on using a blender, cut them into tiny peices.  Place in bowl, 
and add aome water.  Start with a little and add more until it's squishy with no excess water.  
Now, grab the lot and squeeze the water out until it won't drip.  Add the glue if you want and 
mix.  Use the blender after it's all mixed, and only if you want a big mushy pile to use.  Stuff 
some behind the slot door, making sure that it can't be opened after it has dried.  Have a bit of 
room at the front for your matches or gas.  When you want it gone, just light the paper-mache by
putting a match or two into the slot.  A tiny bit of gas can speed things up.


Elmer's
=======

Well, now that you have the glue, why don't you put it to good use?

You Need:

Elmer's glue; or any other white glue.  OR, use pla-doh.   :]
Surface to squirt glue on; wax paper, saran wrap, cookie sheet

Instructions:

Squirt some glue thinly on your surface.  Wait a few minutes, until it's pretty thick.  Now 
squish the glue into a single mass.  Put some behind the door, and make sure it hangs down a bit.  
You can use pla-doh, if you can stand what's left on the coins afterward.  Pour some hot or warm 
water down the coin slot and start to wiggle the door.  The hotter the water you use, the faster
the blockage will dissolve.  The coins WILL be hot, so careful not to touch them with your bare 
hands.  


Snot Rockets
============

See above.

You Need: 

A disgusting substance;  
A phone trick;

Instructions:

Of all the people who lose their money in one of your phones, a certain number will do anything 
in their power to get it back.  Some of the tricks are pretty solid.  Most are not.  The concept 
is simple: if there's a disgusting substance between them and their money, most will back down.  
It doesn't have to actually BE disgusting, just look that way. Here's some that are cheap & easy.

Sticky:  Maple Syrup, Corn Syrup, Jelly & Jam, Butterschotch Syrup, Ice Cream, Popsicles, Glue, 
Glue Stick, Gum, Candy, Sweet & Sour Sauce, Semen, Can you tell I'm running out of ideas?

Slimy:  Vaseline, Lubricant, Lotion, Conditioner, Yogurt, Tofu, Et Cetera.

You can also put a foul-smelling substance into the return slot.

No one will touch a slot door if it has snot on it.  Here's a recipe for look-alike snot.

You Need:

Glue; or any white gooey substance, Glue Sticks work best
Green food-coloring; or use one package each of yellow and blue kool-aid

Green food coloring will turn your hands green for a long time, so just use kool-aid.  Mix color 
and glue together.  If it's liquid, let it set out until thick and sticky.  Glue sticks work 
best because they stay sticky longer and take the consistency of...uh...you know.  Just smear it 
on.  This causes even the manliest of men to go *Ewwwwwwwwwwww*.



					   PART II
					   =======


The Fixer's vending machine trick
=================================

This trick was originally done by Fixer's friend, and I pass it on to you.  
Fixer's Pranks [all one million of them] can be found at  www.artofhacking.com

You Need:

Krazy Glue;  [or a phone trick]
Krazy Glue Solvent; can be purchased for a dollar or two

Instructions:

Pick a machine.  Any kind will do, but it must have a door to glue shut.  Like a candy machine.  
On a candy machine, pick the lowest priced item.  Put in your money, and glue down the first 
button.  Hold it until it dries, and glue the second button.  Take your candy, and glue the money 
door.  Whenever someone tries to buy anything, they'll all get the same candy until they run out.  
After a few days, unglue the door and buttons, and take your money.  Try to do it on a Sunday or 
Monday, and remove glue by Thursday.  Effect self-explanatory.


MMM...Magnets
=============

Here's a nice thing to do with your new-found wealth.  Or a bunch of washers.  Whatever.
This trick involves parking meters, and was developed by YIPL, for those of you who didn't know.  
Parking meters work just like a clock.  Whenever you put your money in, it resets to the time 
equivalent to it.  Parking meters, just like clocks, also have minute inner workings that can 
freeze whenever magnets are placed near them.

You Need:

A big magnet; horseshoes are good
A bunch of washers; or money, if you really are feeling generous

Instructions:

Put a bunch of washers into the slot, until the meter reads full.  Now stick a big ass magnet on 
the back.  Stand there for a minute.  Now remove the magnet and move to the next meter.  If you 
use washers, they will only be frozen until the meter maid retrieves the money.  If you use money,
it could last until they're inspected.  That could be months away......


Conclusion
==========

Well, that's it for now.  I've done this for seven years.  Seven.  Until tonight, it never 
occurred to me that this was a long time.  This is the first textfile I've written, besides 
little notes to myself, and stories.  I have no idea why it all of a sudden occurred to me, but 
I'm glad it did.  Oddly enough, I'd never met Cuebiz before tonight.  I'd admired his work for 
some time, and out of the blue he messages me and we start a conversation.  That was creepier 
than Clive Barker.  For a minute I was actually considering the possibility that maybe he had 
some elaborate detection system that notified him whenever someone visited his site.  

I really need to stop thinking.  Oscar Wylde once said, "Working is the curse of the drinking 
class."  So all you alcoholics prove him right by fucking telco right in the ass.  FDA Telco.  
Hey, that sounds pretty good.....

By the way:				
		
Party Hardy
Rock and roll
Drink a keg
Smoke a bowl
Beer is legal
Sex is free
We are the class of 2003



(Telco Inside)  October 24, 2001  @  1:01 AM