Five Indictments of the Mass Media

                            by J. Orlin Grabbe

        They're all wrong. The New York Times. The Washington Post. The 
Electronic Telegraph.  The New Yorker.  The Los Angeles Times.  They all 
have "sources" who assure them that there will be no more indictments before 
the November election.  And they all employ small-minded, smug, 
self-important little scribblers, who know the truth, and the truth shall 
make them comfortable.

        I don't mean to say these journalists are not responsible.  Some of 
them actually worry whether they should have that fourth martini before 
sitting down to rewrite the day's PR handout.

        But they are educated people of reason.  They know the Internet is 
filled with conspiracy theorists, kooks, yeah verily, child pornographers,
militia members, terrorists of all stripes, Ph.D. chemists who tell how
to duplicate Saddam's chemical weapons, teenagers who will get into your 
bank account--barbarians quite unlike the civilized men and woman who write 
for respectable papers, and get their hair done for TV!  Why, they wonder, 
can't people just connect to CNN interactive, and cast their electronic 
votes for Clinton or Dole--you know, civilized and fun things like that!  
Or for some real excitement, let us know whether you think OJ is guilty--of 
anything!  Or why can't people on the Internet just spend their time looking 
at those colorful National Information Infrastructure-subsidized pages that 
explain why government is your friend!

        Well, I'm neither educated nor responsible.  I find respectability 
boring. And I know how to make bombs.  So here it is, smug-faces: IN HONOR 
OF THE FIVE MEMBERS OF THE SUPPOSEDLY NON-EXISTENT FIFTH COLUMN, THERE WILL 
BE FIVE MORE STARR INDICTMENTS BEFORE THE NOVEMBER ELECTION.  ONE OF THEM
WILL BE HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON.  MOREOVER, BILL CLINTON WILL RESIGN FROM
OFFICE.

        And you will be sitting there looking at each other, asking 
yourselves what brand of gin's in your vodka martini.

        And then you will have to grapple with momentous questions like, 
*Do you suppose Hillary Clinton will get elected Baddest Bitch in Cell 
Block B*?

        Watch carefully as you stir that drink.  Boom.

September 17, 1996
Web Page:  http://www.aci.net/kalliste/