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                          Real Viruswriter's Guide
                                  ver. 1.0

                         by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
                               April 3rd, 2001
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  Introduction
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 There are several writings out there which deal with the personality and
 desires of viruswriters. Some are humorous, other are serious. Some presume
 that viruswriters are sick, other are trying to prove otherwise. But I've
 never seen a 'real' file about viruswriters. So, here's one.


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  Real viruswriters
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 Real viruswriters are at least 15 years old

 Real viruswriters are named after tough movie characters or Iron Maiden songs
   Real viruswriters with humorsence write their name in hex or key codes

 Real viruswriters use SEH in their viruses
 Corollary: real viruswriters know what SEH is

 Real viruswriters are also cypherpunks
 Corollary: they never use something as trivial as PC-Secure
 Corollary 2: they find that NSA sucks

 Real viruswriters not only code in assembly, but also bread it
 Corollary: doesn't matter if a real viruswriter writes a macro virus for Word
   or codes an example program for those who want to learn BASIC, he does it in
   assembly

 Real viruswriters think that Mac is the wimpiest thing ever built
 Corollary: if a viruswriter is forced to use a Mac then he'll have a heart
   attack in 24 hours
 Corollary 2: real viruswriters think that iMac makes a nice aquarium

 Real viruswriters think that Winblows is the second wimpiest thing ever built,
   but use it because it's so common
 Corollary: they want their creation to spread

 Real viruswriters flame you when you enter the scene and they flame you
   because you didn't flame 'em back
 Corollary: you get flamed no matter what you do
 Corollary of the corollary: the first flamer was a real viruswriter

 Real viruswriters know the difference between a virus and a worm

 Real viruswriters are proud to be viruswriters and they aren't afraid nor
   shamed to say so
 Corollary: if you happen to call them crackers you'll most probably wake up
   in a hospital

 Real viruswriters have a website and e-zine, both named after them

 Real viruswriters, in the days when Coderz.Net was still up, had sneaked past
   Evul and had their whole 11000+ virus collection on-line

 Real viruswriters always have their revenge

 Real viruswriters have written at least 3 polymorphic engines

 Real viruswriters have written at least 2 compression engines

 Real viruswriters know that SCAN is shit
 Corollary: real viruswriters aren't afraid to say shit

 Real viruswriters know that Norton AV is the worst Norton product ever

 Real viruswriters are IRC addicts
 Corollary: they're always late

 Real viruswriters aren't afraid to use others' ideas or quotations
 Corollary: half of real viruswriters mail is devoted to flaming because
   of stealing
 Corollary 2: if a real viruswriter would live in a pre-computers era he/she
   would be a criminal or an "inventor"

 Real viruswriters think that AVers and AV programs suck
 Corollary: real viruswriter's work has retro-capabilities
 Corollary to the corollary: a real viruswriter knows what the above line means

 Real viruswriters find that every 3rd virus should have a destructive payload
 Corollary: every payload they ever created was destructive

 Real viruscoders keep a record about other viruswriters and their creations
   to avoid using an already used name
 Corollary: they still use already used names because they like to see what
   happens
 Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like to live dangerously

 Real viruswriters read newspapers and operate fast if necessary
 Corollary: there's a high chance that half of Bush's voters were actually
   viruses

 Real viruswriters can go on-line where ever they are no matter what time it is
 Corollary: they practically live in cyberspace

 Real viruswriters don't create logs of their virus collection for putting it
   up in their web page
 Corollary: they've uploaded everything they got and wrote a program which
   runs the scanners and ZIPs the output if someone uses the 'logs' link
 Corollary to the corollary: the owners of VX servers sometimes wish they
   would mess around with something else then virii

 Real viruswriters watch horror movies
 Corollary: they think that digitized Jason would make a pretty effective virus

 Real viruswriters think that the viral stuff in "Johnny Mnemonic" was bullshit

 Real viruswriters find that the fact that the hackers in "Hackers" needed 5
  minutes and a dozen viruses to defeat 'GOD' proves that they were wimps

 Real viruswriters never hack any systems
 Corollary: they infect it with a virus which gets all the necessary stuff

 Real viruswriters never, ever, get infected
 Corollary: they use someone else's computer for testing stuff

 Real viruswriters can name at least 12 reasons why creating viruses is cool

 Real viruswriters wear everything that suits their taste and is comfortable
 Corollary: IRL you'll never know that you're talking to one
 Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like 'stealth' in every
   situation

 Real viruswriters worship Dark Avenger
 Corollary: real viruswriters know who that was

 Real viruswriters have any vx-zine ever released

 Real viruswriters have ca. 122102 sources
 Corollary: they forget to weed their source collection

 Real viruswriters find that warez suck but use them because they're cheap

 Real viruswriters find that warez puppies suck, but they also find that those
   are quite effective spreaders

 Real viruswriters like to use the sentences 'lamer' and 'script kiddie'

 Real viruswriters haven't since 1995 written any articles which were related
   to DOS viruses

 Real viruswriters know that Bonchev is the shittiest AVer ever lived
 Corollary: a real viruswriter "accidentally" mis-spells his name
 Corollary 2: real viruswriters never use the word 'boza'
 Corollary to the corollary: they know that only really sick bulgarians
   drink this stuff instead of using it as window cleaning liquid

 Real viruswriters find that Frisk's a pretty ok dude

 Real viruswriters think that real cyberpunks, real pyros and real anarchists
   would be cool if they'd just write viruses

 Real viruswriters don't leave the scene for their wives and kids,
   instead they teach 'em to write viruses and bring them into the scene
 Corollary: virusing will never die

 Real viruswriters listen to hard music
 Corollary: they would blow up Britney's head if they could

 Real viruswriters listen to such strange music as made by Bang Gang

 Real viruswriters know what 'records' are and even own a record player
 Corollary: they got it cheap from some x no-name corner shop

 Real viruswriters use ACE or RAR or OOP
 Corollary: real viruswriters know that ZIP has no other purpose than spreading
 Corollary 2: real viruswriters know that OOP is the English version of AMG
   but they still like it

 Real viruswriters like to have fun
 Corollary: that's the second reason why they write destructive viruses

 Real viruswriters like macros for other reasons than virusing

 Real viruswriters can spell but tend to use slang in small amount
   because they find it neat

 Real viruswriters know that the main purpose of virii is to spread
 Corollary: they always have with them a disk which carries infected programs

 Real viruswriters know that they are the main force behind AI research
 Corollary: they find that US scientists should be shot for taking the credit

 Real viruswriters don't brag about their skills, instead they go and
   code something sensational

 Real viruswriters like the word 'smooth' but don't use it

 Real viruswriters know that every AVer who says "VXers should go to
   jail" stinks because he makes down those who provide him with a job
 Corollary: most AVers stink

 Real viruswriters are caffeine addicts
 Corollary: a real viruswriter can't live more than 3 days without cola
   or coffee (or tea if he's British)
 Corollary to corollary: real viruswriters think that in some situations
   it's ok to eat coffee-powder

 Real viruswriters have written a virus for every OS they could get their
   hands on

 Real viruswriters can code a virus in every language there is but prefer ASM

 Real viruswriters have better things to say about ASM than just "it's cool"
 Corollary: they say: "It's awesome"

 Real viruswriters consider viruswriting to be a form of art

 Real viruswriters know that VXers are the beginning and the end and AV people
   set their steps after them and not otherwise

 Real viruswriters = BOFHs (or BUFHs) + virusing

 Real viruswriters would never work for an AV company

 Real viruswriters have nothing against anarchy and/or chaos

 Real viruswriters are not punks-who-would-like-to-practice-some-anarchy
 Corollary: they are maniacs-who-would-eliminate-the-whole-human-kind-right-
  away


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  Conclusion
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 So, perhaps you'll now watch with a different look at the little virii which
 just trashed your harddrive, flashed your BIOS and blew up the monitor.
 After all, it might have been written by a REAL viruswriter